itch.io

I could nitpick on the handling of ranks and format of some of the dialog but my main feedback would be that the start and middle was way too detailed for the amount that was actually happening to forward the story. Personally I was into it, because I'm a sucker for tactical jargon and realistic military settings in scifi, but from a story perspective, the limited word count could hav ebeen used more efficiently. On the whole, it was fun to read =)

Hey translating that high from your mind to the reader's is the whole art =)

First of all, thank you for not uploading the mood board haha. This was a great little tale, well done, I don't really have many actual criticisms apart from a few lines where maybe you repeat what the reader just put together. Personally, I didn't like the ending, I would have liked to see the gunner be just as caught of guard by something as the pilot was by the competence of the gunner- so she doesn't start AND end the story bored. (Maybe the pilot's experience that intel is always wrong inspired him to keep one more trick up his sleeve? Again, personal taste) Well done, regardless. Fun, if short, encounter! Edit: I especially liked the line ~the crew was as ramshackle as the ship~ That was strong enough in and of itself that you could have cut alot of other lines!

I'll be honest, this feels like a first draft stream of consciousness piece. Sure, some of my favorite grimdark fictions are based on the casual moments in a wild setting, but feels like a single (drawn out) scene in a scooby doo play. The character's races are very artificial and have no bearing on who they are/what they want. The most climactic moment is a character using a piece of tuba to physically hit a ghost in the shin- which only creates more questions. My main advice though is to make sure your characters have motivation- our heroes have "nothing better to do" than to wander around the bandhall and we have no idea what the Elf Spirit was after except maybe it was a little frisky for some reason (The roles are reversed haha).  With that in mind, you clearly have the capacity to be a great writer, and I'm eager to see what you bring to the next jam!

Really great myth story, this is the stuff that campfire tales are made of! As far the writing, I would always suggest that if you're going to use physical descriptions of a character (especially as the first paragraph) then you need to bring that back around by the end. Without a word limit, or with some editing, theres a great place in this story for that... I don't like the way the ending is written at all, it feels really rushed and just flat out tells the reader how it ends. I think if you could have described him like you did at first, but show how his appearance changes to the undead thing he becomes that would have been MUCH stronger. Other than that, I would nitpick on stuff like telling us that he "sort of" believes in the supernatural, or how the demon's appearance shifts the pace. Still one of the more engaging stories in my que so far! I'll probably be plagiarizing this tale next time I go camping =)

I do enjoy the "zoomed out" telling of this story- its much easier to fit more "happenings" in a story like this than one that tries to break into back and forth dialog. That being said, it still suffers a little bit (although less than I would have expected) from telling not showing- especially at the end. Maybe you could have woven in more threads of 'unspoken drama?' Still, as short as it was, it was a VERY easy read and that goes a long way. I advise not using paragraph indents in this format but well done =)

I enjoyed it! My main criticism was going to be that you sort of repeated information between dialog and character thoughts but the main example I went to use was Charlette's considering killing the necromancer- but that turned out differently than I expected haha, well done. other than that, I would have suggested spending more time building up/waking up the necromancer by starting the characters out in the second village to begin with- only because of the page limit

I'll be honest, this story reads more like someone giving the synopsis of a story than telling the story. I think its too bogged down with details that don't hold any significance to the point and don't really get the reader invested in what their goal is. I think the story would have benefited from trimming alot of the "traveling" from place A to B to C with at most a paragraph and instead focused on alluding to the character's worries. You could build up the dread and lore with some subtly before the last paragraph, then the readers would really feel the weight of the revelation. (I don't know what Bloodhounds are in OPR and I know very little about the Starhosts. Having the character ponder what those factions mean to him would have helped a clueless reader learn more) Looking forward to seeing you in the next jam!

You slipped between present and past tense a couple of times but other than that it read alright. It can be really hard to manage telling vs showing with a multiple day story inside a short word count but I appreciate that you didn't let it it get bogged down in details

Beautifully clever, I love it! Well done

Honestly, my complaint only applies to the idea that these are short form stories. Given a more drawn out format where the writing can afford to be more dramatic and poetic, it would have read great, hope you don't ditch the style entirely =)

I'm still working on how to deliver themes subtly but meaningfully. I hated how on the nose my last entry was so I may have over compensated here. Thanks for the feedback!

I feel like this story could have benefited from a few more paragraph breaks. There were long blocks of ethereal text that were setting up the story, not really driving it forward. I was only really engaged on the final battle, but that, itself, was excellent. The mental image of this infected humanoid blocking giant razor claw strikes was interesting but I loved the grotesqueness of this match up.

I like when stories are able to give us an entire epic in one short. It might have been interesting to see more done with the 'remembering what happened' gimmick, but Ravenna and clan's tale is definitely an interesting one on its own rite. Well paced, well wrote, well done.

I had to re-read some parts to make sure I had the characters right, I guess it was the limited description of D'Chara and them being replaced with a talking beast. Other than that, I liked the little twist ending and the premise the tale.

Outstanding story! I was locked in on every paragraph, in a unique setting that really felt alive. Perfect pacing and clarity. My biggest complaint here is honestly that there are no pictures of the crabs in the moodboard; I'll be surprised if this one isn't a winner.

A fun battle! It was a little bit of a slog in the middle, probably just because its very literal, tactical descriptions- but overall the writing was great and I wish we could had more personal interactions with some of the elves. Not sure if surrendering to demons is ever a better alternative than death but it sure would make an interesting sequel, haha.

Well rounded story! It flowed really well, was easy to follow, and kept me tuned in throughout. Really exciting multi faction battle as well

The flow of the writing is really rough. The constant short sentences and repetitiveness of "noun did verb" lines was really distracting. The theme also felt like it could've been more clever. But the setting and the battle itself were fun. The flow may have been rough but the overall pacing was fine and it wasn't actually a hard read!

Thanks! I really enjoyed the last jam, my first one, so I started writing more. Thanks for the compliment!

That was a really fun read. It's a trope that risks getting old but never does in the right hands. I thought the description would be a spoiler, but was still surprised at the end, great story.

A poetic taste that I personally like, not too hoity, but still a little fragrant. The ending was a touch predictable but enjoyable all the same. I like the emotions here, about as "Grimdark Guard" as it gets and wouldn't mind coming across the sequel. 

The writing is fine but kind of started to feel like a lot of text between the turns of battle. The theme works, but didn't feel particularly dramatic anymore than the main character failing their goal- which didn't feel very consequential either. Like I say, the readability was good and premise was enjoyable- a three way cave battle between Snatchers, Squids and Rats? Fun!

Well paced, pleasant writing, a fine old fashioned short story. I personally hate the "lost parents" trope so I'm glad it didn't really focus on that angle. A nicely grimdark entry!

Excellent story. I really did think I had this one all figured out, but was pleasantly surprised. Great work, all around!

The ending felt a little out if nowhere, but. I really wish we had more stories like this, about the "early/main" questline of Grimdark Future and the Protectorate's exploits. Especially when they're this readable and able to grab attention so easily. 

I don't really know anything about this faction, but this story did a great job introducing their essence. It might be a little long worded, but its well written and keeps you engaged through the whole battle.

I think it kind of feels like a slog to read in that it is basically a history textbook. Appreciately abridged in the face of the World Book sure, and a great document for its own purpose but kind of a slog when grading so many other entries.

The moment to moment writing isn't bad, but feels more like you're moreso telling what's happening instead of immersing us in the situation. Maybe you could increase the stakes- like, if this bombing mission doesn't work, bad things happen back home. Some simple tropes like that would give you a way to more eloquently "imply" the scenario than just having a character explain it to another. It might also help if you crank the suspense with some emotions like fear or blood-lust. Mountains, spiders, and bombs are all things that could play well into a horror perspective; or goblins and dwarves are pretty fun factions that might have fun dialog and rivalries to show off.

Keep at it, you've got really good inspiration, I would love to read more with some tighter story-telling fundamentals =)

If I had to find a complaint, I would say that its a little wordy on the later half, but ultimately, the crash was absolutely enthralling and the flow kept me engaged through the rest.

Goblins, rats and Space Brothers, what a perfect mix! I absolutely want more of this, I enjoyed every moment!

The writing has a lot of promise, but I picked up a handful of nitpicks like sound "appearing" or the pacing of dialog jumping around a bit much. Still, a unique story about an underappreciated faction fitting right in with the GF universe, keep at it!

This really has "OP tower wizard doing OP tower wizard things" vibes, I love it. A flashy and gritty psychic battle that's easy to read and stays loyal to theme, good work

I think the paragraphs could have been broken up a little bit further and the ending took two reads to make sure I understood but other than that, I love the actual elements of this story. The background of the Cascade, faction relations based on the deep lore, the theme working out to a well timed punchline, it was really fun, especially at the end.

I love the well thought out lore of campaigning against vampires and the champion's plight, although I wish they had resolved a little more in tandem by the end. Still, a great adventure that had me stopping to think about the military logistics of vampire myths.

Marvelously grim! All around well written and modestly themed. I hate the main character, but his story fits the universe so well- and honestly sets him up for some incredible character development. Half way through my 15 and this one is sitting on top so far.

The writing comes off a little bit hoity but ultimately, I surprised that the pacing worked so well despite that. Still, its always fun to find stereotype breaking tropes in these jams, like this unexpectedly poetic ogre. Sorry you had upload issues.

Some paragraph breaks and being converted to a PDF would've really helped, but I did like the theme here. It was kind of beaten into the last sentences, but it didn't ruin it. A short and sweet havoc ending exactly as I would (and didn't) expect it to.

Really well written. I'm not particularly invested in the Starhost but the story flowed so well it was an easy and enjoyable read. I especially liked how the end was written, well done

I think there could have been more paragraph breaks for the space available, but it was a fun heist regardless. Definitely not the ending I was expecting