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I'm walking, lonely, down the street,
November, rain, the trees are bare.
Neon flickers, something sweet,
is promised here, but
I don't care.
Construction cranes climb in the skies
in greyish clouds and no-one's there,
old houses stood here, memory lies -
not anymore though.
I don't care.
Those plans we had, when last we laughed
our dreams, so powerful and fair!
Now we know though, it was for naught,
its one year later;
I don't care.
It's not as if you hadn't tried
to live, I know, since, I was there,
but in the end you lost that fight.
I did live on, but
I don't care.
Still, in my dreams I hear you laugh,
as I play childish, with your hair.
Within my mind you are still tough,
this is not real, though
I don't care.
More sleep than wake, I spend my day,
- to seek you, when I'm not there,
in this world though, I fade away.
It doesn't matter,
I don't care.
Soon I will be, with you, again.
Just a small step, if I, dare?
With you, forever, if I can.
No longer here though -
I'll be there!
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I'm walking, lonely, down the street,
November, rain, the trees are bare.
Neon flickers, something sweet,
is promised here, but
I don't care.
Construction cranes climb in the skies
in greyish clouds and no-one's there,
old houses stood here, memory lies -
not anymore though.
I don't care.
Those plans we had, when last we laughed
our dreams, so powerful and fair!
Now we know though, it was for naught,
its one year later;
I don't care.
It's not as if you hadn't tried
to live, I know, since, I was there,
but in the end you lost that fight.
I did live on, but
I don't care.
Still, in my dreams I hear you laugh,
as I play childish, with your hair.
Within my mind you are still tough,
this is not real, though
I don't care.
More sleep than wake, I spend my day,
- to seek you, when I'm not there,
in this world though, I fade away.
It doesn't matter,
I don't care.
Soon I will be, with you, again.
Just a small step, if I, dare?
With you, forever, if I can.
No longer here though -
I'll be there!
Tried something different >;) What do you think?
Category Poetry / Miscellaneous
Species Unspecified / Any
Gender Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 1 kB
I'm not sure if using the contractions in "to seek you, when I'm not there" and "Soon, I'll be with you again" is the best method. Leaving them as "I am" and "I will" makes the meter flow better when I read it.
Then again, since they're both near the end you might be going for a quicker line, giving a sense of either eagerness or urgency.
It's pretty effective, either way. The opening stanzoid, the fourth line split to give a big pause before the refrain of "I don't care" to finish the couplet is a very nice touch.
Then again, since they're both near the end you might be going for a quicker line, giving a sense of either eagerness or urgency.
It's pretty effective, either way. The opening stanzoid, the fourth line split to give a big pause before the refrain of "I don't care" to finish the couplet is a very nice touch.
thnx, very good points. But the following would read off, rhythm wise
"to seek you when I am not there"
I was thinking
"to seek you <pause>- when I'm not there"
but maybe its
"<pause>... to seek you, when I'm not there"
yeah that's it - fixing.
the other is completely write, thats how I've been speaking it - must be
"soon I will be with You again"
thanks mate, I'm fixing this, thanks for the nice critique :)
"to seek you when I am not there"
I was thinking
"to seek you <pause>- when I'm not there"
but maybe its
"<pause>... to seek you, when I'm not there"
yeah that's it - fixing.
the other is completely write, thats how I've been speaking it - must be
"soon I will be with You again"
thanks mate, I'm fixing this, thanks for the nice critique :)
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