So.. yeah, it finally happened

Yet another shitty thing she did opened my eyes. Another instance of her ignoring me while playing with her friends for two days.
I realised that this whole time the only way I knew she loved me is by convincing myself she did.
She didn't even want to tell me the simple line of "I love you", I'd have to ask usually.
Even her friends she treated better than me.
Never writing first, never making plans, she wasn't even happy when I gave her gifts.

There was a single fact that I held onto for dear god which "proved" her love, the fact being that I am enough for her. She isn't actively pursuing new relationships, so I must be enough.
Untill she told me that I'm the reason she's sad, because I said no when she asked if she could go out on dates with other people because shes "poly".
She told me that if I say yes, she will be happier, and maybe if she's happier, she'll finally show me affection..

She made me hate myself. For worrying, for asking, for anything. For not minding my own fucking business. Disregarded my words, never even thought for a second about how her actions could affect me. She never fixed anything that bothered me or made me uncomfortable, just made me feel dumb and guilty for worrying.

And at the end of it, she told me it was me who never loved her, because I complained. She explained all her fuckups as jokes or misunderstandings, and she tried fact-checking me on every word, because she "doesn't remember saying that".

I just wonder now.. why keep me close and act cute and nice if you never even loved me?