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Moira groaned as her face reddened and pressure began to build in her head. Despite her experience telling her it was pointless, she began to tug at the wolf's thighs, trying to pull them apart, but finding that she couldn't even ease the pressure. Bubbles of spittle formed at the corners of her mouth as she breathed raggedly. She began to stroke the wolf's leg from hip to knee and focused hard on the toe of Tinashe's right boot, pouring all her concentration into just staying awake.Of course, she quickly started to fail.____________________________This is a NON-CANONICAL story commission from pack111 featuring characters created by him and kidyiff. I decided to throw in some free art this time since the client is very patient with my schedule and writing process, haha.This is a fairly DARK story, as the name may imply, and contains: FvF combat, Asphyxiation, Headscissors, etc.If that sounds like a thrilling ride to you, I hope you'll enjoy!FULL STORY HERE: https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....it?usp=sharingBlueSky: styxiansailor.bsky.socialThe site formerly known as Twitter: x.com/StyxianSailor
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It's interesting to see what you've done with my world/characters. You definitely take the story aspects more seriously than I ever did; I was just writing silly kink stuff for money lol.
Speaking of silly kink stuff, I think the kink aspect is the one thing that's missing from your story. You describe the headscissor action well, but you don't really erotize it---you don't describe it in a way that feels sexy. Your fights scenes read like fight scenes, whereas I always wrote my fight scenes like sex scenes. The story stuff is cool, but at the end of the day my goal was always to titillate the reader. I'm not really getting that vibe from this. Idk, maybe that's not what you're going for.
Anyway, this was a cool action story. The storytelling is where it really shines, I can tell you put a ton of work into it.
(Edit: Also you're fight scenes are a bit overwritten. I found myself skimming them at times. They were well done overall, but a bit tedious in spots.)
Speaking of silly kink stuff, I think the kink aspect is the one thing that's missing from your story. You describe the headscissor action well, but you don't really erotize it---you don't describe it in a way that feels sexy. Your fights scenes read like fight scenes, whereas I always wrote my fight scenes like sex scenes. The story stuff is cool, but at the end of the day my goal was always to titillate the reader. I'm not really getting that vibe from this. Idk, maybe that's not what you're going for.
Anyway, this was a cool action story. The storytelling is where it really shines, I can tell you put a ton of work into it.
(Edit: Also you're fight scenes are a bit overwritten. I found myself skimming them at times. They were well done overall, but a bit tedious in spots.)
Hey man, I'm just following the prompts, haha. But yeah I can get a little deep into the story aspects.
I know what you mean. To be honest I find it a little difficult to write scenes that are REALLY erotic. That's not my strong suit. Although I have a story simmering right now where it won't really be a choice, so maybe I'll SLIDE it the master's way for review when I'm done if he's willing? ;P
As for overwriting, trust me, I know I have a tendency towards that. Concision is a skill I need to work on, haha.
I appreciate it, KY. Cheers for reading and the feedback!
I know what you mean. To be honest I find it a little difficult to write scenes that are REALLY erotic. That's not my strong suit. Although I have a story simmering right now where it won't really be a choice, so maybe I'll SLIDE it the master's way for review when I'm done if he's willing? ;P
As for overwriting, trust me, I know I have a tendency towards that. Concision is a skill I need to work on, haha.
I appreciate it, KY. Cheers for reading and the feedback!
One simple trick to making the story hotter is to start sprinkling in the erotic elements before the sexy scenes start. Think of it like real sex: you gotta get your partner in the mood with a little foreplay before just diving straight in.
A very simple way to do this is to sexualize the characters---something I noticed you don't really do. My personal rule is that everybody needs to be hot all the time lol. If you're writing a headscissor fic, for example, take a moment early in the story to describe the character's legs/thighs. Tell the reader how her calves and hamstrings automatically bulge when she sits with her legs crossed, or how her broad hips switch while she's walking down the hallway.
The idea is to sexualize her in moments where it would be unnecessary and even in poor taste if this was a non-erotic story. You can be indulgent or subtle with it, but either way it works to wind up the reader and get them ready for what's coming later. You can also have characters flirt with each other before or during fights, or just tinge scenes with a little sexual innuendo.
I also think it helps to dial back the storytelling a bit. A little story gets the reader invested and makes everything hotter, but too much gets in the way of that. Remember: It's not a story with fan-service, it's fan-service with a story. The story should serve the kink, not the other way around. (That's my approach anyway. Maybe it'll work for you too.)
As for the overwriting, I have two tidbits. 1, keep your adjectives to a minimum and use strong verbs instead. And 2, never write a paragraph that's longer than six lines. (This is actually the single greatest piece of writing advice I ever got. It doesn't sound like much, but doing this leveled up my game big time. Try it, you might surprised.)
A very simple way to do this is to sexualize the characters---something I noticed you don't really do. My personal rule is that everybody needs to be hot all the time lol. If you're writing a headscissor fic, for example, take a moment early in the story to describe the character's legs/thighs. Tell the reader how her calves and hamstrings automatically bulge when she sits with her legs crossed, or how her broad hips switch while she's walking down the hallway.
The idea is to sexualize her in moments where it would be unnecessary and even in poor taste if this was a non-erotic story. You can be indulgent or subtle with it, but either way it works to wind up the reader and get them ready for what's coming later. You can also have characters flirt with each other before or during fights, or just tinge scenes with a little sexual innuendo.
I also think it helps to dial back the storytelling a bit. A little story gets the reader invested and makes everything hotter, but too much gets in the way of that. Remember: It's not a story with fan-service, it's fan-service with a story. The story should serve the kink, not the other way around. (That's my approach anyway. Maybe it'll work for you too.)
As for the overwriting, I have two tidbits. 1, keep your adjectives to a minimum and use strong verbs instead. And 2, never write a paragraph that's longer than six lines. (This is actually the single greatest piece of writing advice I ever got. It doesn't sound like much, but doing this leveled up my game big time. Try it, you might surprised.)
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