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More from Sasha_Nyrzuul
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As I layed on the grass trying to sleep I watched the moon above me and I started to recall my past.
"What a great day to travel" said a fox who was carying a lute walking uo from the road "yes it is Fredrick" said a female fox carrying a newborn kit in her arms looking up at the open sky,
"do you ask them were they are headed next?" she asked looking at the caravan as they pack up their camps to leave "They say they are headed to Torallin" said Fredrick "I think we should settle there I don't want to raise our kit on the roads it's to dangerous for a newborn to be traveling" She said with a worried look
"I guess we should Amy" sighed Fredrick "I'm going to miss traveling and seeing these wonders but it's the best for our Sasha" said Fredrick as he pated the the little kits head "Are you going to pack our stuff it looks like they'll be going soon" said Amy "augh I hate packing but I'll do it" He said whining
"Oh Fredrick your such a child I know your a bard too but you need to take responsability once in a while" She said spitefully Fredrick whimpered as she glared at him angerily and started packing "I hope Sasha doesn't act like you" Fredrick said jokeingly the mother glared at him "And what is that suppose to mean?" she said obviously angry at the comment "Uhh nothing nothing at all dear" he replyed stuttering obviously scared of his angerd wife he wasn't brave, a kobold with a toothpick could scare him out of his fur and she knew this well "Uh huh thats what I thought nothing now I think we should hurry up" said Amy "alright I'm almost done jeez" said Fredrick who was packing up hurried by his wife. ten mintutes later. "okay I'm done packing and put it on the wagon" panted Fredrick "oh finally Freddy your so slow at packing" Amy said jokingly "oh ha ha Amy lets see you do it faster" said Fredrick getting up on the wagonn seat "alright give me Sasha so you can get up" she gives Sasha to Fredrick and climbs up to sit down in the seat next to him "you ready?" Fredrick said "yes give him here first" as he gives Sasha back into his mothers arms he wakes up looking around with his bright green eyes "Oh dear he's awake" she said and looked at Sasha "I hope you will like your new home when we get there" she said happily carassing his head as the wagon jerked forward.
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As I layed on the grass trying to sleep I watched the moon above me and I started to recall my past.
"What a great day to travel" said a fox who was carying a lute walking uo from the road "yes it is Fredrick" said a female fox carrying a newborn kit in her arms looking up at the open sky,
"do you ask them were they are headed next?" she asked looking at the caravan as they pack up their camps to leave "They say they are headed to Torallin" said Fredrick "I think we should settle there I don't want to raise our kit on the roads it's to dangerous for a newborn to be traveling" She said with a worried look
"I guess we should Amy" sighed Fredrick "I'm going to miss traveling and seeing these wonders but it's the best for our Sasha" said Fredrick as he pated the the little kits head "Are you going to pack our stuff it looks like they'll be going soon" said Amy "augh I hate packing but I'll do it" He said whining
"Oh Fredrick your such a child I know your a bard too but you need to take responsability once in a while" She said spitefully Fredrick whimpered as she glared at him angerily and started packing "I hope Sasha doesn't act like you" Fredrick said jokeingly the mother glared at him "And what is that suppose to mean?" she said obviously angry at the comment "Uhh nothing nothing at all dear" he replyed stuttering obviously scared of his angerd wife he wasn't brave, a kobold with a toothpick could scare him out of his fur and she knew this well "Uh huh thats what I thought nothing now I think we should hurry up" said Amy "alright I'm almost done jeez" said Fredrick who was packing up hurried by his wife. ten mintutes later. "okay I'm done packing and put it on the wagon" panted Fredrick "oh finally Freddy your so slow at packing" Amy said jokingly "oh ha ha Amy lets see you do it faster" said Fredrick getting up on the wagonn seat "alright give me Sasha so you can get up" she gives Sasha to Fredrick and climbs up to sit down in the seat next to him "you ready?" Fredrick said "yes give him here first" as he gives Sasha back into his mothers arms he wakes up looking around with his bright green eyes "Oh dear he's awake" she said and looked at Sasha "I hope you will like your new home when we get there" she said happily carassing his head as the wagon jerked forward.
It's a D&D story made from my character's past
Yes there's barely any punctuation I probably would just mess up
Critics and all that well be fine it's my first story ever :O
so try to enjoy the story
It will become more violent and other stuff later but no sex...okay maybe
Yes there's barely any punctuation I probably would just mess up
Critics and all that well be fine it's my first story ever :O
so try to enjoy the story
It will become more violent and other stuff later but no sex...okay maybe
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Gender Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 2.3 kB
ok well since you wanted me to read this heres my review and no I'm not going easy just cause you're a friend.
1) Capitalize at the begining of each sentance
2) break the story up in paragraphs and not just one chunk.
3) Use more detail like what there packing, hat the caravans look like, what time of the day is it buy the position of the sun, where are they, what the area looks like, what they look like.
4) Don't use "he/she said" everytime. I had to learn that from someone telling me. do instead of
"augh I hate packing but I'll do it" He said whining
do this
"augh I hate packing but I'll do it" Fredrick whined as he started to grab their belongings and put them away.
5) Get and editor cause you could have used commas here and there.
1) Capitalize at the begining of each sentance
2) break the story up in paragraphs and not just one chunk.
3) Use more detail like what there packing, hat the caravans look like, what time of the day is it buy the position of the sun, where are they, what the area looks like, what they look like.
4) Don't use "he/she said" everytime. I had to learn that from someone telling me. do instead of
"augh I hate packing but I'll do it" He said whining
do this
"augh I hate packing but I'll do it" Fredrick whined as he started to grab their belongings and put them away.
5) Get and editor cause you could have used commas here and there.
I was typing in note pad which shows up differently than the site and I'm not that good at punctuation its obvious and its my preferred style of writing it in "chunks" thats the way books are made if you find it that hard all I can say is deal with it or don't read it, it is the first time I ever wrote a story so bite me about the wording and it was just a test to see how well I could write so why get an editor so soon?
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