the first update in days and all you get is a ranty shitpot.



anyway, i'm really, really tired of my PMD depression cycle. i finally gathered my courage to get an appointment with a gynecologist. so if i'm lucky getting my progesterone shut down in july, hopefully. not quite full on ovary removal, i'm giving hormone pills a chance first. anything that stops my body from riding a rollercoaster of shitty, awful female hormones i never goddamn asked for. if it doesn't work, i'll do everything in my powert to get surgery after all. which is not something you can easily get around here, cause oh no, you might go into menopause early. my menopause can't come soon enough tbh. loss of bone density sounds like a fucking dream compared to this.


i can't put adequately into words how much premenstrual dysphoria sucks. it's an actual disability. it ruins your mood, it ruins your body, it ruins your life. i get maybe 4-5 days per month after my peroid ends, where i feel like a sane human being. and then the cycle restarts. the happiest times of my life was whenever my period would suddenly not happen for a couple fo months. there was one year where it just skipped like, 6 months. and it was pure bliss.

the last year or so i've been very regular, with very intense bleeding and very intense pain. and i'm inclinded to believe it's because i've been living a more healthy life, healthier diet, regular exercise. apparently my body feels too good and figures, oh we can afford to start up the reproductive cycle. asshole.


my last one was bad, the last month was REALLY bad. from ovulation all the way to the final day, i was in non-stop pain. everything feels swollen and hyper-sensitive. the migraine and nausea woudn't stop for a week. my whole body feels wrong. just a throbbing lump of flesh that was stapled onto me. i'm that thing from i have no mouth and i must scream. everything is disgusting and awful.

i never want to have another experience like this. i'm done. i'm not putting up with this for another potential 15+ years. it's pills or i'm ripping this sucker out with my own two hands.