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I stared Bekki firmly in the eyes, muzzle wrinkling slightly. He looked back at me just as intense, and then slapped his hand atop one of the three bowls. "I calls zhis one!" With a flourish, I flipped the bowl, and clapped when a little copper ingot was revealed. With Nurln busy, we had settled down in the ruins of the Greyleaf enclave to play clamshells while we waited. The prizes were just little bits of junk, but as we took turns being the shuffler, things had become a bit intense. We were each determined to add to our pile of treasures, and I had quickly learned that Bekki was not as dumb as Nurln implied. When he was shuffler, he would flip his tail around or point over my shoulder, and he somehow got me to look away everytime he moved the bowls.

"Behhh! You take-a it. I getcha next time!" I thumped my tail firmly behind me for emphasis. Bekki shot his tongue out at me, prompting me to respond in kind. As he went to grab something from the general junk pile to start the next round, Nurln hopped over the mound of ash next to us. At our curious looks, he sat and held out a small leather bag.

"Zhese are what my Patriarch Fluffyface told me to find in his den, I zhink. It's...pretty rocks? Maybe we can sell zhem." He pulled the drawstring open to let us see inside. Yeah, just some shiny green gems, maybe emeralds. Wait...green rocks....There had been green rocks on the box that seemed to be the cause of my adventure. Nurln didn't protest when I took the pouch to examine them more closely. These were definitely the same thing. What would they do to me here? Transform me back into a human, send me back home? I shuddered, fur puffing, and closed the bag.

"Dis...is big magic, boys. I dinks. But I dunno...I dink we takes it, but careful-like. Could be a danger." My voice was unsteady, and my trepidation seemed to make the males take my words seriously despite how ridiculous they sounded. I tried to pass the bag back to Nurln, but he pressed it against my chest, ears folded behind his head.

"I am not a Patriarch. If it is important, you should have it. I am just a yinglet." The easy-going mood we had while playing clamshells was gone, replaced by unease. Two pairs of eyes, yellow and orange, looked to me for reassurance. For the first time, I realized the burden I had put on myself when I agreed to be their Matriarch. I was strutting around as if I knew anything about the world I had fallen into, and I was an idiot. I could feel myself start to shake, but Nurln's gaze reminded me of his words by the river. He wouldn't leave me. I repeated it over and over in my head as I stepped forward to press my forehead against his. Never alone. I was never alone in this world as long as I had him and Bekki. They said they needed me, but I needed them just as much.

Leaning back, I managed a smile and ruffled Nurln's ears. "You IS NOT just-a yinglet. You-a Nurln, a goody boy. You got-a strong heart. I will carry de magic for us. Maybe one day we uses it, I dunno. But remember you dis, you 'portant. I love you." Less than a day in this world, and I was confessing love for a stranger. If it was romantic love, I'd question if I was in a bad Disney rip-off. It was a simple, strong love for a friend. The kind where I looked at him and knew that I'd bite anything that tried to touch him. Bekki, too. I turned to him, squishing his cheeks against my pawpads. "I love you too-too, Bekki. You guys are...are like....my boys, y'know? Da crew! Tacci and Da Boys. Dat's us. You got a important, an' you got a 'portant, an' me too. We all got-a it togeder. Odderwise I punch ya good."

I'm not sure if Nurln or Bekki hugged me first, or maybe each other then I hugged them, but we end up in a pile of twiggy limbs regardless. There was a little chorus of 'yeahs' and 'mhms' from all of us. It drove the worry and unease deep down inside me, and I noticed something else. It drove any thought of trying to go home down, too. Was it just the endorphin rush of cuddling that was telling me to stay here, or was it something else? A flurry of nuzzling from all parties involved chased the thought from my mind. Why worry about stuff when I had two great males, a pile of junk trinkets, and a basket of eggs to care for?

After concluding our impromptu cuddle session, we finished loading ourselves up with what we could reasonably handle. The only thing that was going to be a bit of a problem was the basket of eggs. While any of us was capable of carrying it, it would slow us down too much to try and cart it by hand to parts unknown. Nurln was the one to come up with a solution. With a bit of slightly charred cloth, a plank of wood, and some ropes, he put together an improvised sled. With a slight rearranging of our pouches, he and I were able to harness ourselves to the sled and pull it, leaving Bekki free to be the lookout. Nurln showed me how to undo the knot holding my harness with a single tug in case of emergencies. I felt that we were now ready to get going, but the blue yinglet seemed reluctant to move on. Bekki eventually tugged Nurln towards the sled with gentle hands. "C'mon, Nurln. We gotta find-a place to sleep before we do zhe river again."

I didn't realize until Bekki said it that I was getting tired again. Nurln and I followed Bekki once more into the night. There was less nervous energy in leaving than coming, and more a general sense of finality. Even though I had never lived there or interacted with those who lived there, a part of me was sad. We'd likely never come back here, and I wondered how much harder it was on my companions. Neither of them looked back, so I kept my focus forward as well. When we reached the reeds near the river's edge, the sled proved too troublesome to drag. The reeds were growing too close together, so Nurln dismantled it and carried the parts while I took the basket. It was just when we were all growing very weary that Bekki pointed out a little raft hidden against a strand of brushy plants. It was a backup in case the other rafts 'ran away', which apparently happened fairly often. We all pushed underneath the plants, which were just tall enough to let us lay down underneath them. Bekki astounded me again by falling asleep as soon as he was on the ground. That male had some serious power. Nurln soon joined him in slumber.

I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to take me, but felt the familiar tepid wrigglings of insomnia trickle through my body. Stifling a sigh, I looked up through the thin branches at the stars. There probably weren't any prescription medications to deal with insomnia in this world. There probably weren't a lot of things I considered essential in this world. In fact...why wasn't I questioning this more? From all I could tell, this wasn't a weird long dream. This was reality for me now. I almost wanted to freak out. I wanted to feel something, anything, about the fact that there was an entire life behind me that I could probably never go back to. The worry I felt about it was so drastically different from the worries I experienced fully in this world. I held up a small hand, looking at thin claws outlined against the cosmic backdrop. I hadn't had much in my human life, but I had some things. Why...why couldn't I feel more freaked out? There were people I'd never see again. Pets I'd never get to care for again. Book series, shows, comics that I would never know the conclusion to. And all I felt when I thought about those things was that I should think about something else.

I carefully disentangled myself from the sleeping pile, and wriggled out of the bushes to sit on the raft. I didn't want to disturb my new friends. As I tried to think more about my old life, my mind turned to how my new body was affected by my misery. Without realizing it, I was holding my tail, the tuft at the end draped over my shoulder. My ears were pinned to my neck, and the fur on my face was uncomfortably sticky with the tears that had started to flow. My thin shoulders drooped, and my flexible spine allowed me to literally curl into a ball. Why couldn't I even think about my old life without my brain jumping track to something else? I wanted the panic that had taken me during the crossing. I should have felt that way. I should...everything I've ever learned told me that I should feel that way. So why couldn't I scream and cry and smack my weird little hands against the raft? The absurdity of the situation hit me with the weight of a freight train. I was ridiculously upset about not being upset. It wasn't that my memories were fading away or anything. It was that I had them, could understand objectively why I should be upset, and that I wasn't upset. My throat burned, and I finally let a few small cries escape me, trying to muffle them with my tail. I didn't doubt my past or think I was a delusional Yinglet. I didn't grieve for the life I had lost. I cried under an alien sky simply because I couldn't do what was expected of me.

I tried to stay as quiet as possible as I vented my frustrations. The irony that I was weeping because I couldn't feel a connection to the past that had traumatized me so that I could never cry freely was bitter. There was no one here I knew, no one to shame me for my tears and fears, and yet my fuzzy little body heaved with the effort to stay silent. I was so wrapped up in my feelings that I didn't notice Nurln's approach until his hands were working to untangle me so he could hug me properly. He didn't say anything, but let me press my muzzle into the bright blue fluff on his chest and stay there. His claws worked through my hair to scritch my scalp, and he held me until I finally managed to turn off the waterworks.

"Did I wake-ya up? 'm sorry." I mumbled, not leaving the safety of his fluff.

He shook his head. "Nah. Since zhe fires, it is hard to sleep for me." I felt guilt at his words. Here was a male who had lost everything and everyone, and I was crying...for the same reason. Realizing that didn't stop the red-hot cold of guilt from spreading in my chest. "I zhink you would have liked my Patriarch, Fluffyface. Zhat was not his true name, but everyone called him zhat." I wiggled to sit next to Nurln, an arm still around him. He was looking up at the sky with a wistful expression. The starlight reflected in the tears brimming in his eyes. "He was only as tall as me, but seemed so-so big. He had zhe longest fur of anyone I knew. It was black like zhe space between zhe stars, and soft as sand at night. Smart as anyzhing, and so nice. Zhe humans say zhat we yinglets don't have love, but we do. I loved him so many lots. Just because we don't have as many smarts and we hump lots doesn't mean we don't have loves. Fluffyface could hump so good..."

I was a bit thrown by the sudden sexual comments, but decided to roll with it. The day I became a prude, let alone a crying twiggy rat prude, would be the day that I died. I listen to him continue talking about a person I never got to know, trying to envision the Patriarch in my mind. "You could have made zhe strongest, smartest babies wizh him. I zhink zhat zhey would have been fluffy and pretty, too." Well, if nothing else, this was taking me out of my funk by competing to be the weirdest conversation I had ever had. "Even zhough he was strong, he almost never did-a fight. He was good at makin' everyone calm. Zhat's why I got out. He told me to grab as many ozzers as I could, and go. He was my Patriarch, so I did what he said. I..I don't know if any of zhem back zhere was him. Zhey could have been. He never came out after zhe fires. When I try to sleep, I wonder why I did not try to grab him. I know he wanted to save zhe ozzers, but he told me to grab as many as I could. Why didn't I grab him? I keep zhinking about it. I see him in my head, so close. But...it turned out like zhis. I could have tried."

He looked at me, and this time I hugged him. I didn't know why he was telling me this all of a sudden, but I had a suspicion. I still hadn't fully grasped the power structure of his enclave, but knew that the Patriarchs and Matriarchs were at the top. He thought he had failed his Patriarch, who also sounded like his friend and lover. I licked his nose. "I wish I gotta know him. But...maybe, if you tried-a grab him, you could-a get burned up too. Den maybe it's no Bekki, and den Tacci is all alone. I...I is not de smartest one, ya? But before I fall outta da land of da gods, I read-a book one time. Maybe I tell ya about it later, but dere was a part in da book I really liked." Nurln was attentive, ears scooped forward, looking curious despite the sadness on his face. "De boy had his friend get killed, and he was so-sad. So he remembered-a part ovva book dat said dings about what to do when your friend gets a dead. I dun really remember how it is exactly, but it said someding like dis - Dere ain't no start or stop in dis life. It's only right now, and be glad 'bout dat, cause right now is hard to dink about. I dink it means, like...it ok to be sads 'n stuff. But also ya gotta keep livin' even if ya don't understand why da bad dings happens. 'cause living is cool even when livin' sucks."

I was not at all going to be a poet or great philosopher of this world, that was for sure, but Nurln seemed to appreciate it.

"Zhank you, my Matriarch. You would zhink zhat words could not heal such wounds, but...it is getting zhem on zheir way. I wanted to hear someone say zhings like zhat. It takes away some of zhe hurtings." He returned my nose-lick, glancing back towards Bekki sleeping in the brush. "I zhink I will stay out a bit, look at zhe stars. Will you try to sleep?"

"Nah, not yet. Will you tell me more 'bout Fluffyface? And all your friends? Is good to keep bits of dem in your heart, I dink."

Even though I hadn't dealt with my problem at all, I felt at peace as Nurln began to tell me stories of his past. If I was going to give my new friend advice, I should follow it too. No starts, no stops. Only right now. There would be time to talk about such things, but now was the time to listen. Two yinglets under a sky both alien and familiar, watching the stars slowly turn as words were traded in the night. When we finally rejoined Bekki to sleep, I fell into into with ease. There were things to worry about, but I had them to help me along the way.

--
And so closes the trio's journey in Saltden & the Greyleaf Enclave. On to another day, and a new adventure to find a new home.

The quote Tacci was trying to remember is -
There is no end, there is no beginning.
There is only the middle.
For that, we are thankful.
Now is hard enough to comprehend.