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More from Tragelaphus
I catch myself being preoccupied with myself... narcissistic to absurdity. Especially in art. I try to avoid it when I can. I wish i could get away from myself. I wish i could not use the words "i", "me", "mine".
I can't help it...
The bloody truth is...
I'm a chronic introvert. Mine is the only reality I know and can explore.
I live mostly alone, I have absolutely noone to talk to. I trust noone.
Even if I had I wouldn't let myself burden anyone with my worries.
From very early childhood I was taught that "noone EVER cares about my problems", so I ate it all up, all the time... I couldn't even turn to my parents for comfort. When I feel bad my only option is to sit staring at a wall for hours til it passes or just hide, ignore and occupy myself with something. I guess it would be ok if I didn't feel bad almost all the time... Hiding all that anger and sadness and getting work done and smiling and being a good person leaves me completely exhausted, perpetually tired. And all that garbage just continues to accumulate... Always guarding others from myself makes me feel very very lonely.
I've been trying to fix things for 3 years atleast. Proffessional help? Been there, done that - I blew all of my savings on that... and it didn't help... at all. I feel used, tricked and forgotten.
I'm back to where I started. Except now i'm even more exhausted and have no money, no friends, no hope, no anything.
I envy people who have someone they can trust, who know what they want, who know who they are, who have something to strive for. I'm the opposite.
All I have is me... a "me" that is falling apart, a "me" that I can't even understand. Sometimes I get an idea of what madness feels like. I have nothing positive to share, only problems and negative emotions. They are bad things... they shouldn't be shared.
Despite how i try, I can't create merry entertainment under these conditions, and I can't create art that has nothing to do with me or how i feel. Sorry.
I can't help it...
The bloody truth is...
I'm a chronic introvert. Mine is the only reality I know and can explore.
I live mostly alone, I have absolutely noone to talk to. I trust noone.
Even if I had I wouldn't let myself burden anyone with my worries.
From very early childhood I was taught that "noone EVER cares about my problems", so I ate it all up, all the time... I couldn't even turn to my parents for comfort. When I feel bad my only option is to sit staring at a wall for hours til it passes or just hide, ignore and occupy myself with something. I guess it would be ok if I didn't feel bad almost all the time... Hiding all that anger and sadness and getting work done and smiling and being a good person leaves me completely exhausted, perpetually tired. And all that garbage just continues to accumulate... Always guarding others from myself makes me feel very very lonely.
I've been trying to fix things for 3 years atleast. Proffessional help? Been there, done that - I blew all of my savings on that... and it didn't help... at all. I feel used, tricked and forgotten.
I'm back to where I started. Except now i'm even more exhausted and have no money, no friends, no hope, no anything.
I envy people who have someone they can trust, who know what they want, who know who they are, who have something to strive for. I'm the opposite.
All I have is me... a "me" that is falling apart, a "me" that I can't even understand. Sometimes I get an idea of what madness feels like. I have nothing positive to share, only problems and negative emotions. They are bad things... they shouldn't be shared.
Despite how i try, I can't create merry entertainment under these conditions, and I can't create art that has nothing to do with me or how i feel. Sorry.
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Professional help really isn't about someone else fixing your problems [though people would like to believe that] as much as other people leading you up to the point where you solve your own problems. Isn't posting your art, writing about how you feel, and talking to people online a step in the right direction? Haven't you done that on your own with positive results? Maybe you should focus on that rather than fixating on the past.
Yeah, this is what I was about to say. Psychologists can point you in the right direction, but since they'll rarely say "do this" or "don't do this" explicitly (well, rather, they're generally not supposed to- against the ethics), it's all up to the client. Therapy is sort of like a trick that only works on you until you realize how it works. Once you come to the realization that all they've been doing is putting stepping stones in front of you all along that you stepped on to yourself (or chose not to), the 'magic' is revealed as a ruse, for better or worse.
I'm well aware of how it's supposed to work... I wish I could blame someone else, but I can't, I'm the retarded culprit.
Posting art and talking to people online may sound like a good idea... I've done it before (how convenient - right here on this site). And that was before I even considered professional help. The results were very negative... It ended up being worse, I burnt out, I completely quit art for a year and a half.
Though yes, fixating on the past isn't nescessary, but it also holds keys to how and why one ended up where he is.
Posting art and talking to people online may sound like a good idea... I've done it before (how convenient - right here on this site). And that was before I even considered professional help. The results were very negative... It ended up being worse, I burnt out, I completely quit art for a year and a half.
Though yes, fixating on the past isn't nescessary, but it also holds keys to how and why one ended up where he is.
Apology not accepted. Your art is a part of who you are, or it wouldn't be art.
Who's to say someone would object to you sharing your problems and negative emotions?
Of course, there is the whole trust thing.
Can one honestly expel their venom without trust? A stranger perhaps?
Who's to say someone would object to you sharing your problems and negative emotions?
Of course, there is the whole trust thing.
Can one honestly expel their venom without trust? A stranger perhaps?
I agree w/ wuffie. You've always had ur art as an outlet for ur expression of who you are. I've always admired ur ability to explore yourself and ur character in so many different styles and from seemingly every angle. When you post one's personal art, it is a near communion w/ the viewer when you're trying to explain to them who you are, or what you felt as you made the piece. There is no such thing as impersonal art b/c its from your perspective or mind your trying to convey something.
My thoughts exactly. What's great about his work is that it's figurative as well as being emotive, the viewers can relate to it more easily than people's fursonas/characters or "hyper vore dicknipples" as you put it. On top of that, almost every piece generates critical thinking and thought out comments rather than "cool pic, bro."
You hit the nail right on the head, why apologize for meaningful thought-out pieces?
You hit the nail right on the head, why apologize for meaningful thought-out pieces?
Technically, it doesn't have a meaning... I just wanted to whine and used a picture as an excuse. Take away the text and it's a meaningless blob of random crap around some furry figure thing. Doesn't even look good. I don't know how to make solid independant works of art.
Im just worried emotive works from me would end up being the same stuff over and over and over and over again. It would be ridiculously monotonic, boring and uninteresting. If only I could just distance myself from the problems that plague me and explore other things...
I know, it's silly how much I stay away from things I want to do... If I desire something, it almost certainly means it's either banal, silly, illegal, bad, unethical, inappropriate, shameful or wrong for some reason.
Thanks.
Im just worried emotive works from me would end up being the same stuff over and over and over and over again. It would be ridiculously monotonic, boring and uninteresting. If only I could just distance myself from the problems that plague me and explore other things...
I know, it's silly how much I stay away from things I want to do... If I desire something, it almost certainly means it's either banal, silly, illegal, bad, unethical, inappropriate, shameful or wrong for some reason.
Thanks.
There are reasons, mostly my own problems.
I'm not cool, I'm cold... I'm a social retard. People can't relate to me.
When I talk, I try to be useful. If I can't, I don't talk, except for occasional ironic/sarcastic joke here and there.
Socializing is one thing I don't understand... Discussing things, sharing ideas, solving problems together I can see the use, but not socializing. I expend tons of energy in social situations just trying to not look awkward and not to be a drag, most often I get nothing in return, or worse; with me being exhausted all the time, it's not very surprising I just end up completely avoiding this energy drain that people are.
I wish people would talk about art... That way maybe I could get so say something once in a while. The bloody fact is that they don't. Even artists. At all. Most often drivel goes about how car 1 is better or worse than car 2, badmouthing random people, people bragging about how cool they were there and then, etc. etc. All of things that i find shallow and trivial. I just feel like wasting time, but my courtesy prevents me from walking away, so i sit there... with a social smile on the fascade, nodding my head. These kinds of "friends" are too preoccupied with being cool, they feel insecure at the face of sincerity or honesty, being open about things is a sure way to be ridiculed behind the back... so much for friends or anyone to talk/relate to.
I'm not cool, I'm cold... I'm a social retard. People can't relate to me.
When I talk, I try to be useful. If I can't, I don't talk, except for occasional ironic/sarcastic joke here and there.
Socializing is one thing I don't understand... Discussing things, sharing ideas, solving problems together I can see the use, but not socializing. I expend tons of energy in social situations just trying to not look awkward and not to be a drag, most often I get nothing in return, or worse; with me being exhausted all the time, it's not very surprising I just end up completely avoiding this energy drain that people are.
I wish people would talk about art... That way maybe I could get so say something once in a while. The bloody fact is that they don't. Even artists. At all. Most often drivel goes about how car 1 is better or worse than car 2, badmouthing random people, people bragging about how cool they were there and then, etc. etc. All of things that i find shallow and trivial. I just feel like wasting time, but my courtesy prevents me from walking away, so i sit there... with a social smile on the fascade, nodding my head. These kinds of "friends" are too preoccupied with being cool, they feel insecure at the face of sincerity or honesty, being open about things is a sure way to be ridiculed behind the back... so much for friends or anyone to talk/relate to.
Fuck that. You're way better than having to pretend to be social.
I wish you could hang out with my friends. We talk about art, but we also do a pretty good job of keeping topics relevant to everyone's interests (keeping in mind that most of my close friends in this Liberal Arts school of mine are artists). There's a few in the bunch that are socially retarded (my Autistic friends, especially), but even the few that are happen to be sincere.
I forget often what true gifts my friendships are. :(
I wish you could hang out with my friends. We talk about art, but we also do a pretty good job of keeping topics relevant to everyone's interests (keeping in mind that most of my close friends in this Liberal Arts school of mine are artists). There's a few in the bunch that are socially retarded (my Autistic friends, especially), but even the few that are happen to be sincere.
I forget often what true gifts my friendships are. :(
I wish there were people like that here. Everyone I come across seem to be blatantly insincere jerks preoccupied with what's cool... I've more or less lost hope. Even authentically retarded people would very likely be better company (my limited experience is that they usually are).
On the topic of not having anyone to talk to...
How am I supposed to trust anyone when my own family doesn't care?
One case: not long ago my father came about shouting on me how i waste money (my own, obviously, i've never asked for his for any reason) on psychological help, saying it's stupid, a complete waste (he must've forgotten my mother commited suicide only a few years back, doesn't care much that I'm atleast trying to do something not to end up the same way), when I said I have noone to talk to, and noone who could help me, he inssisted I talk to him, which i declined saying he won't understand... after an hour or two of him bugging me about how I should talk to him and find a girlfriend (which i can't do for a certain reason) who would magically solve all my problems, I finally explain why it doesn't work that way, and share a few minor problems, to which he just answers that "I should probably go abroad, because NOONE will understand me here", and then goes away. I know it sounds like a joke, but it isn't... I wish it was...
How am I supposed to trust anyone when my own family doesn't care?
One case: not long ago my father came about shouting on me how i waste money (my own, obviously, i've never asked for his for any reason) on psychological help, saying it's stupid, a complete waste (he must've forgotten my mother commited suicide only a few years back, doesn't care much that I'm atleast trying to do something not to end up the same way), when I said I have noone to talk to, and noone who could help me, he inssisted I talk to him, which i declined saying he won't understand... after an hour or two of him bugging me about how I should talk to him and find a girlfriend (which i can't do for a certain reason) who would magically solve all my problems, I finally explain why it doesn't work that way, and share a few minor problems, to which he just answers that "I should probably go abroad, because NOONE will understand me here", and then goes away. I know it sounds like a joke, but it isn't... I wish it was...
The real beauty of friends is that they can be there for you in ways your parents can't. Your dad is obviously not a standard for the rest of the world to follow, so that is why we have friends. And you can't trust some friends with everything, so that is why we have best friends. Please don't think the option to trust anyone ends with your father. He may be wrong to offer you solutions with a girlfriend or whatever else, but when it comes down to it, you both faced something traumatic, and he sees his son suffering without asking him for help.
I can't empathize with you on this—nor will I try to, as it's not my place— but whenever I've talked to my parents about something that really bothered me, regardless of whether they understood or not, they ended up telling me more than I expected in return. I thought that it was just me that needed to talk, but they really needed to talk to me, too.
If you were completely transparent with your father and he replied the way he did, moving your life to somewhere else may be a pretty good option. If you think there's more you should have said, you owe it to your dad to be a compassionate son, so he has a better understanding of how to be the dad you need.
But, of course, this comes with the grain of salt that I am someone across the world that does not really know you, your life, or your experiences outside of your image descriptions on a furry site.
I can't empathize with you on this—nor will I try to, as it's not my place— but whenever I've talked to my parents about something that really bothered me, regardless of whether they understood or not, they ended up telling me more than I expected in return. I thought that it was just me that needed to talk, but they really needed to talk to me, too.
If you were completely transparent with your father and he replied the way he did, moving your life to somewhere else may be a pretty good option. If you think there's more you should have said, you owe it to your dad to be a compassionate son, so he has a better understanding of how to be the dad you need.
But, of course, this comes with the grain of salt that I am someone across the world that does not really know you, your life, or your experiences outside of your image descriptions on a furry site.
I can't create art that has nothing to do with me or how i feel. Sorry
I'm thinking, this is more like an apology for being human.
My impulse here is to write something empathetic, but faceless internet empathy feels like such a small powerless gesture... With matters as heavy as these I can never find the words I'd like to say and have them come out with their sincerity intact... Sometimes life feels like a prison, but it's not. You are always free to leave. And I find when I think of it that way, it says a lot that I'm still here, if even sometimes it feels as though all you have is the fight with yourself, trying to prove it's worth it.
Ah well, this anonymous internet person gives a damn anyway.
I'm thinking, this is more like an apology for being human.
My impulse here is to write something empathetic, but faceless internet empathy feels like such a small powerless gesture... With matters as heavy as these I can never find the words I'd like to say and have them come out with their sincerity intact... Sometimes life feels like a prison, but it's not. You are always free to leave. And I find when I think of it that way, it says a lot that I'm still here, if even sometimes it feels as though all you have is the fight with yourself, trying to prove it's worth it.
Ah well, this anonymous internet person gives a damn anyway.
>>I envy people who have someone they can trust, who know what they want, who know who they are, who have something to strive for.
Yet all too often, these very good things come only after years and years and years and years of searching. For that reason, you might not be as far behind as you think. :)
>>Despite how i try, I can't create merry entertainment under these conditions, and I can't create art that has nothing to do with me or how i feel.
Given how expressive, visually intriguing, and memorable I have found most of your work to be, I could never tell you to reject these unmerry entertainments and personal preoccupations of yours.
We build from our own personal foundations: some of us have broad views of life; others, a narrow focus. What matters are the results -- and I admire what you have presented in your galleries here.
Mark
Yet all too often, these very good things come only after years and years and years and years of searching. For that reason, you might not be as far behind as you think. :)
>>Despite how i try, I can't create merry entertainment under these conditions, and I can't create art that has nothing to do with me or how i feel.
Given how expressive, visually intriguing, and memorable I have found most of your work to be, I could never tell you to reject these unmerry entertainments and personal preoccupations of yours.
We build from our own personal foundations: some of us have broad views of life; others, a narrow focus. What matters are the results -- and I admire what you have presented in your galleries here.
Mark
I haven't been able to figure out yet it if you want friends. Do you want someone to talk to? Would you be able to trust anyone? Trust is an integral part of play, guaranteed safety, the right to be silly. It's also an integral part of friendship.
Once you've stepped out of the world and seen how meaningless it is from a distance, it's hard to get back in and find all the powerful value within. And even when you do, sometimes you just slide back down the mountain and watch everyone with their mundane ritual and realize it's only another forty years until they're dead and what then.
It's strange that you find everything so meaningless, and yet you care so much about how others perceive you that you exert almost unthinkable effort trying to please and satisfy what seem to amount to little more than worthless jerks in your social circle. Have you not tried? Have you ever stopped caring about them and been confident in your current preoccupation with yourself?
The good thing about internet anonymi is that we don't have the psychologist's code. We can tell you to do things like try to laugh or be silly. Why don't you be silly with me one day? It's embarrassing, and that embarrassment can be a huge relief if you're with someone who won't tell. :X Gamer's code, magic circle. Have you read Homo Ludens?
Once you've stepped out of the world and seen how meaningless it is from a distance, it's hard to get back in and find all the powerful value within. And even when you do, sometimes you just slide back down the mountain and watch everyone with their mundane ritual and realize it's only another forty years until they're dead and what then.
It's strange that you find everything so meaningless, and yet you care so much about how others perceive you that you exert almost unthinkable effort trying to please and satisfy what seem to amount to little more than worthless jerks in your social circle. Have you not tried? Have you ever stopped caring about them and been confident in your current preoccupation with yourself?
The good thing about internet anonymi is that we don't have the psychologist's code. We can tell you to do things like try to laugh or be silly. Why don't you be silly with me one day? It's embarrassing, and that embarrassment can be a huge relief if you're with someone who won't tell. :X Gamer's code, magic circle. Have you read Homo Ludens?
But you do know that sharing bad things makes them easier to handle, right? You'll just have to find a good shoulder to lean to. I'm sure there would be many people who'd like to listen, me for one in all my anonymity and randomness. But I understand if you don't want to bleed your heart to a complete stranger. ...then again I suppose that's what you did with the professional too, and didn't seem to help much.
Anyway, your art rocks, and (maybe even a bit surprisingly) at least I don't get tired of looking at it, even if the pieces resemble each other in some aspects. You just have such a lively style, and quite frankly I don't understand how you get Alchemy to do that. :D ...provided you use it with all your pics.
Anyway, your art rocks, and (maybe even a bit surprisingly) at least I don't get tired of looking at it, even if the pieces resemble each other in some aspects. You just have such a lively style, and quite frankly I don't understand how you get Alchemy to do that. :D ...provided you use it with all your pics.
Art is a tool to express what we feel and think. So, if you tend to focus on yourself, your art doing the same is no surprise.
Also, people do care about your problems when you care about their's. That comes with time though, talk to people enough and they'll care about how your day is going. It'll progress from there. The best friendships just tend to happen.
Also, people do care about your problems when you care about their's. That comes with time though, talk to people enough and they'll care about how your day is going. It'll progress from there. The best friendships just tend to happen.
do some volunteer charity work. tutor kids after school, visit the elderly and ask them what the world was like before you existed, etc.
setting yourself aside for productive useful social reasons will snap you out of your navel-gazing, if that's what you're trying to do, dunno.
setting yourself aside for productive useful social reasons will snap you out of your navel-gazing, if that's what you're trying to do, dunno.
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