As anyone who watches my ex, Nyuu, on here likely already knows, we have separated after 17 years. I won't go into details because it is a very personal matter that's also a fresh wound. She is safe and well, certainly fairing better than I am. So there is no need to worry about her health or safety.

This was a sudden and jarring change that was, and is, still hard to process. Having a constant anchor of support and light suddenly torn away would probably hit most people hard. It can be difficult for some people to understand how hard this sort of thing can be for the other party. It's like having someone you love just bleed out in your arms and all you can do is sit there shaking them, begging any diety or devil you can think of to bring them back just this one time. Unfortunately, no matter how much you beg and plead, no one is going to save them. There's more to it, but I'm not going to go too deep or talk about her personal life.

We are still on the same lease and paying the bills until the lease is up. I would have left, but the reality is that I have no where else to go and no money to pay for an apartment, currently. It has been hard, very hard. We have our arguments, but we are trying to be respectful to each other and try our best to not put anyone out.

I never thought I'd be 37 and single. I took pride in our longevity. Our relationship has outlasted a lot of people and things, and it's hard to not have my partner with me. There's a void in me where that warmth used to be and I've never felt more empty in my life.

I know there is a lot to do. I have changes and improvements I need to make in my life, but there's always that voice that says, "You're a worthless failure, so why bother? Nothing is going to get better and you're just going to suffer." Nyuu was the light in my life. She made every day worth living. Now I just feel like I exist and take up space, but I am not saying this to turn anyone against her or cause issues for her. I made choices I wish I could take back. These were things I apologized for time and time again, but it seems the damage had been done. It just took a long time for the ship to sink.

I have one friend and my family to support me, but it is difficult for me to impose on them. My best friend has a family of his own with his own problems, and my parents are in their twilight years busy dealing with my nephews and my younger brother's questionable choices. Nyuu and I are trying to stay friends after all we've been through, but I know there's a rift there. She is supporting me as much as she feels comfortable doing, but she's got her own life and choices to deal with.

It's safe to say that this is the most alone and isolated I've ever felt. I tried to move on, even met someone I got a long with really well. Things were going good for about a week, and then she cut contact with me with no explanation. That just gutted me for a second time, if I'm being honest. Near as I can figure, she didn't want any distractions while she took steps in her professional life to improve herself. Ironically, she constantly preached honesty and communication, but couldn't give me the courtesy of a break-up text.

That fucked me up, kicked me just as I was starting to pick myself up off the ground. That negative voice coming back again saying, "See? No one will ever love you again. You aren't worth loving. You only exist to suffer."

I don't have it in me to self-harm or self-delete, I don't believe in it. For better or worse I just take whatever is dished out to me, absorbing every kick while I lay there curled into a ball. Maybe one day the kicking will stop, but right now it is hard to be optimistic. I just wish I had more support.

I wake up every day hoping that I've finally woken up from some hyper realistic, partially lucid nightmare. That Nyuu will be there with me, but I have to accept the bitter and terrible reality.

I'm sorry for ranting on for so long. I've had a lot held inside, and every time something else happens, more just piles on. I don't know if people will actually read this. I'm not an artist or a member of the furry community. I've only ever just gone along to support Nyuu and her talents like a good partner should.

Once again I didn't write this to make anyone cause issues for Nyuu. She made two journals regarding this, so I simply figured I should also say something.

I'm trying to move forward to put my life in a better state for myself, but it isn't an easy thing to do. It has all been very overwhelming.

If you do take the time to read this, thank you. If you feel sympathy or empathy for my situation, I appreciate it. That's all for now, or maybe forever. I haven't decided what I'll do with my FA.