I just wanted to make you guys aware of where I'm at with projects.

Regardless I will finish the Midna project first and foremost since it's near completion

Current projects that I want to finish and potential new projects! (Vanilla and Scat)

Current Projects:

SCAT

1.     Midna vs Horses (90% complete)

2.     Helen Christmas special (40% complete)

VANILLA

1.     Rouge x Tails Boobjob (60% Complete, I can't be bothered to finish this one lol)

2.     Helen Christmas Special Vanilla version (50% complete)

3.     Bulma Pegs Vegeta (5% complete)

Potential future projects

These are projects I’d like to do in the future. I will make them shorter in duration compared to my previous projects. Because shorter projects means I can move on to new ones. So that means more animations of different characters!

SCAT

1.    Jessie from Pokemon (maybe including horses or horse pokemon, I download some pokemon from different gens on sfmlabs, so il see what I can find. But if anyone has an sfm Scolipede model please give it to me hehe)

2.    Something involving FNAF (Likely Fazclaire models but idk)

3.    DBZ Chi Chi or Bulma POV style, through the eyes of Goten?

That’s all I can think of, I am open to suggestions though. Personally Id love to do some Jessie Pokemon stuff. Or POV Chi Chi x Goten.


If you like the work I do and want to see my stuff as its being made as well as exclusive bonus content that is only on my patreon / fanbox

then support me here: https://lordcuckness.fanbox.cc/

or here: https://www.patreon.com/c/Lordcucsy

The reason I have fanbox AND patreon is in case one ever gets terminated.

I can do fine sketchs and SFM (3D) commissions! (as long as the model of character exists)

I'd rather not do color/painted coms because i suck at it. But if you really want that i can.

Just dm me on X or on here, name a fair price and lets go!

s

Artists clearly have them, wether they want to share them is another matter. Which i can appreciate.

But god damn do i want one.

Im too lazy and stupid to edit a model myself

Finally getting round to making something dbz related
this time it will be Bulma and Chi chi farting and shitting.

I have a very tiny sneak peak
https://twitter.com/i/status/1596186213362417667

since then i have made them kiss and make out, some tongue action.

next will be farting i guess. im thinking of having one shit in a bowl for the other to eat with a knife and fork.

as normal my WIP will be on patreon. www.patreon.com/Lordcuckness

And im on Pixiv again now.

I know Twitter might go south but.. regardless gunna share it anyways.

I can't really trust furaffinity anymore.

Twitter: https://twitter.com/lordcuckness

Pixiv: https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/88202345

Newgrounds: https://lordcuckness.newgrounds.com/

Thank you!!

Cos of my somewhat recent animation featuring ADULT Helen and Violet Parr, but i guess that doesn't matter.
Since Furaffinity's TOS takes the canon age of a character very seriously (yes even if they are furry!), despite this not being canon, it is a parody. Canon is irrelevant.

I always felt the canon age of a character is quite stupid, parody is parody. Like people saying Amy Rose is 12... shes not 12. She doesn't even look human, she is a creature, not a literal child lol.

anyway, to say the 3D model Violet is a child even though she clearly has the body of a petite 20 yr old (just my guess) is quite insane.
Guess petite pornstars must be kids too, derpy derp.

I also find it strange that in the report has this one part
"as well as eating scat"

Why would that matter? If the terms of TOS were breached and it's taken seriously, why the hell would eating scat matter?
Just seems like a personal jab at the fetish. And I think people just hate on the fetish and use this "it's literal cp" crap to hate on it even more.

I mean ok. They gotta do what they gotta do.
I'm still going to complain about it, is what i'm saying. I appreciate that they got to do their job.

Thought i should really update this, considering my last one was ages ago and about my shity breakdown.

Which was actally hell. i'm doing alot better now tho, i think lol.

well im mostly working on sfm animations now, which include farts and scat.

You can support me on www.patreon.com/Lordcuckness to see WIP and full animations a month before public release!

I had what was close to a nervous break down a few weeks ago, i managed to recovered from it.

I was in a peptual state of panic. let me tell u.. that aint no fun. I lost lots of weight in a single month from that alone.. i think.

Like i use to use the third hole on my belt. im now on my fiith, could do sixth if i wanted.

It seems from there my depression has gotton worse overall, it might be to do with age...
But what the fuck am i doing? Im so lonley and i feel im on the verdge of going mad, not helped by being autistic, but thats just personal to me of course

I know people on the spectrum do great things and feel great about it. I feel like my light has gone out and its horrifying.

I got on to meds about a month ago and thats helped i think, i got some antriptaline for sleep to, i think i seriously needed that.

Im thankful to have a thearpist at least.

I feel like all my dark disturbing thoughts have caught up with me, like im paying the price for living the way i have. Its not fucking fair. I was never social like everyone else, and everything scared me from day one. so why the hell was my diagnoses so late, if it was discovered early i could have learned more about my self at a time where i could have intergrated into the world better. Now i dono who i am and i hate it. It didnt bother me before.. but im older now, maybe thats why.

I feel so angry and hateful, but so sad and anxious. Its really hard to get intrusive thoughts about self harm and suicide out of my head. At the very least, i am in a slightly better place then I was about a month ago.. that was pure hell.

Its been a struggle just to get to this point where i can actually write and update people who follow me!
Seriously i couldnt do anything, i had to lay down and just watch tv and even that was a struggle, i was on the floor going mad. My emotions all over the place.

Anyway, i dont know if il return. I want to keep my social media stuff active and stuff. My gumroad too. I was at least able to do some productive stuff, although not strictly hentai, but practice that good improve my overal quailty of content if i did return.

Thanks everyone who supported me on patron, and everyone who watches me here and follows me on twitter and newgrounds.

xxxx

I haven't updated in a long time.

Well I finished my Horse Who Came To Tea art pack (you can buy it here: https://lordcuckness.gumroad.com/l/Horsewhocame)
And if anyone reading this brought the pack.. Thank you!! I hope you enjoyed it.

That whole thing sucked up most of my time, but it was something I really wanted to make.. Uh for some strange reason. I just found the british milf from "Tiger Who Came To Tea" really hot and the idea that she does that with a horse in private makes my peen hard.

So I made that art pack quite long, kinda wish I hadn't though. Especially since the market for hentai material seems to be limited in price. After a certain point you can't charge so much or nobody will buy, regardless of how many images or "pages" you have. Which means I shouldn't slave away at a really really long project that caters to a niche fetish if I actually want to make a living from it. If it were a mainstream fetish on the other hand.. well I don't know, I am of course, no expert. There is also the looming problem that anyone could buy it and upload it somewhere else, the later that happens the better, but it is inevitable. So again, something long and laborious makes little sense to me now, in my opinion anyway. Don't get me wrong, i'm not suggesting this is bad for other people to do, it's just not for me.

To get to the point. I am going to make future art packs much shorter, which I think is better for a number of reasons. I can create more ideas and essentailly be more "active". In the sense that I am posting more often. Because even if I am createing art packs with the intention of people buying them, there would still be some sort of free preview or one public image atleast.

I'm quite open about this arent I.

I'm quite excited about what new art packs I could make. At the moment, I have a few ideas floating around that I could do.

Maybe Lady Dimitrescu.. Or Frankie Foster and Mac.. Or Chi Chi from dbz with Goten... Or some characters from Majoras mask.. Or Toph, the last airbender.
Either way I'll proberbly do all of them, eventually. I am also likely to do varying alts of these packs, so there would be SCAT, but also vanilla versions. And the price between them would vary but only because, chances are one version would have more images. E.g cutting the scat images from a vanilla pack ect ect.


Anyway. Another matter I need to consider carefully is my patreon and discord server. Both I appreciate having, some of you have been supporting me for a long time and It means alot.
Supporting me is the point of the patreon and the discord server is surpose to be a place for me to upload. The community al be it small is a hangout for people none the less. But the disord works only if it works and something bothering me even now is that I doubt it can expand. I actually don't want it to either.

The more people, the more complicated it will be and I just can't be bothered with that, I am not at all interested in it nor the idea of getting a mod. And it's already complicated since access to the discord server is behind a paywall (Patreon). Though actually, that might be a good thing since it would have more people if it were fully public. The bigger a community gets, the more complex and nounced it becomes, it's matter of fact. Added to that is the question, what if i did more mainstream stuff? Not even vanilla, but like anal hentai or rimjobs or whatever, with less enthesis on scat.. then id get people joining who'd probs kink shame the scat lovers. not fun eh. Yeah ok, I could impliment strict rules, but then i got to impliment them, actively.

I want to keep things simple, that's what I will prioritize.

So for now the discord will be a place for me to upload my WIP's and will continue to have social channels.

If things ever got too much, then it will be a place for nothing BUT my WIP's, with maybe a simple chat channel or none at all, just a dumping ground.

Anyone can create a discord server, literally anybody, a place to hang out. But most don't for the very reasons I pointed out.


One last thing is the monthly poll.
The monthly poll will also continue to exist, though the finish of the painting will depend on how many tier 2 patreons there are.

Something else I forgot to mention is my art. I have tendcy to add as much detail as possible one coloring, i've always done this. Although I have tried to do simple styles before.
I think my issue with painting with alot of detail, is that it doesn't even look that good, sometimes it does, sometimes i get lucky. But I think from now on, im going to just try and tone it down a bit.

Lately I have been very busy trying to set up a Etsy sticker shop. The shop itself is not up yet. I have most of the equipment but still have to get a great quality printer, my last one sucked ass but I can return it thankfully. I also need to work out my costs and set up the end prices for the potential items. I'm going to keep things simple for now and just focus on 2 or 3 items. A couple are standard memes which are free domain and another I painted. Then after that I can expand on simple artwork stickers of my own and other memes, assuming i can use them without getting into trouble. One would assume memes are in the public domain..

Wether or not I will sell NSFW stickers is another thing entirely, along with if i can set up another shop to do that. Which brings me to the other issues of wanting to expose the shop here. I'm not sure yet if id want to do that and i doubt anyone here would be interested in sfw stickers anyway. It would be a privacy thing for me, so id need to think hard about it.

Anyway im doing all of this because I want to, but also because of the potential in profit. I need money to live, as does everyone and right now things don't cut it. So im working in other areas to see what can work. I cant stand working an office job. I don't know if thats a maturity thing or if its the Autism. Since some people on the spectrum like to feel they are in control of everything. Hense the reason why *some* Autistic women suffer from anerexia because they want to control their food intake to the extreme. Hense the reason I don't like doing commissions that much, hense the reason I started doing hentai in the first place, though its not fruitful, sadly.

On the other hand, my Mitchell vs The Machines hentai pack did quite well, and I essientially made the same amount of money I would do if it were a commission, which is great because it means i made money doing what I wanted to do, what I wanted to make. And thats the point, i make hentai because I *wanted* to do it. My other project which will also be on sale on Gumroad (eventually) is The Tiger Who Came To Tea except its a horse, involving a scat version and vanilla version. So Hopefully that will do well too.

So ultimately. My plan for now is..

-Continue to work part time

-Make art packs

-Sell stickers on Etsy

Because I need the money and can't seem to survive in the workplace. I mean i know im not lazy, I HAVE to be productive, or else I go insane, I can't sit still watching tv for example. I gotta be doing something. I just want to make money doing what I wanna do and stickers and artpacks seem like a great idea to me.

With that out of the way..

I am closed for commissions, publicly atleast. I will however, remain open for Patrons since discounts exist for them and it wouldn't be fair on them to just suddenly close it off altogether. Though I don't actually get commissions from patrons often anyway.

aaaaaay.

So recently it dawned one me that im pretty screwed for the future, money wise. Im very fortunate to be in the position im in right now, being able to work part time and work on art the rest of the time.
The shity reality is though is that i can't make a living from art. Maybe.. Maybe i can keep things going how they are now, which is essentialy my goal, though i wish i could quite my job and just draw all day.

At the moment, im working on an art pack and its gunna be a big one. Concerning a horse, you may have already seen a couple pics i did of it on here. Tiger Who Came To Tea (except its actually a horse). The pack itself is going to involve some ball sucking, cock sucking, rimming, snifing and scat. Im gunna make a vanilla version too.

I'm hoping to sell it eventually. It would be cool if I could make some money just doing that, literally doing whatever I want. Of course all it takes is for one person to buy it and upload it elsewhere and i'm done for.
I'm also (very slowly) working on a Lady Dimitrescu sfm, again a scat version and vanilla version. I cant sell it directly to the viewer cos im sure it will infringe on copy right. But id like to host the HD file on Gumroad for a "name your price" kind of thing. You would be able to download for $0 or "donate" a bit of money if you wanted.

All that to try and make a living. To see what could work.

I highly doubt it would work, in which case i have to take my interests elsewhere and focus significantly less on art. Maybe i could sell stickers on Etsy or something lol. Well actually its an idea i could persue maybe. I have the time (for now) to try something else. I just want a way for a secure future, without having a traditional job. To suggest everyone is meant for the same job would be stupid right? I can barely handle the work place, im not sure if its just Autism or a maturity thing. I hope its not the latter because then I really would feel pathetic. And its not like I'm lazy, i work crazy hard, i love to be productive, I have to be productive or I will loose my mind.

Just sucks you can't make a basic wage from it automatically, ha that would be amazing. Perhaps i just need to split my time accordingly and try other things, i just want to give hentai one last big push before i do.

Well, regardless, I want to thank anyone who commissioned me in the past, or who supports or supported me on patreon.

yeah.

Firstly
Commissions are open.

Please remember to be as specific as possible, referances apprciated if possible. I'll only redo roughs once.

Coms price here - https://www.furaffinity.net/view/40542197/

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Update 20/02/2021

Been doing decent recently, got a stim alpha device. Was expensive as fuk but its surpose to help with sleep, anxiety and depression. I think its actually helping, the key thing for me is to use it earlier in the evening so i can hopefully sleep earlier. Its kinda fun to use.. it makes you feel dizzy like your on a boat. But yeah, check it out, it might help you if you suffer like i do. Might be a potential alternative to meds. Looks almost like a scam right? But actually there is indeed alot of science to back it up, its not bs. - https://www.alpha-stim.com/


Speaking of meds, im going to come off mine completely, slowly of course, on 20mg of flouroxatine atm and getting 10mg so i can wean off it slower.
I want to go off them completely and see how i feel for awhile, as i think the side effects are not helping me at all. Anyway if i feel worse even while off the meds, for a long time, then i might consider abilify. I think the Flouroxatine made me less horny as well, so i kinda lost the will to do hentai this last month, and i was even less into the idea of doing coms. But im hoping going off the meds will solve that and help my sleep too.

I don't like myself atm, its really hard to control my thoughts and i keep drifitng towards evil and morbid thoughts. I am trying to live healthy though, i think the Alpha stim device is helping with that too. Still i cant help but feel haunted, overshadowed by something. I hate it.

But whatever, i am at least sorting my sleep, still excersizing and eating healthy for the most part. Still cant seem to seperate from my girlfriend. Still not sure if i even should. Still dont know if that would be shooting myself in the foot, or if i really should move on. I am not social, never have been, and even without COVID id be isolated. So to be alone once again with nobody at all? I would either sink or swim, hopefully id be more out going or try the date scene, idk. Or i still with my gf and remain sexually repressed with be with someone who is not exactly the most healthy person when it comes to mental health (she is more isolated then me and is fine with it)

I hate the situation. Any reference to it just ends in tears and we both think its tiring to even bring it up, so wtf am i doing? Ironically she is not my responsibility yet it feels like the world sees it differently. Yep, gender rolls / family values still strong eh. She could just, go away, find her own way and just leave. So why doesnt she? My thearpists suggested to me that i am somehow abusive for not outwardly calling off the relationship (see? Gender rolls erugh MEN). Even though i have said to her explicitly about breaking up, but i keep giving in, hoping she may change or that i am wrong to begin with. But regardless, my gf is responsible for herself, she knows my feelings but clearly must be hanging on to something. And in my own confusing and despite being mentally ill i have to somehow say "fuck off, take your ridiculous amount of stuff and leave and somehow survive without a job on your own, completely on your own.". Of course id handle that diffrerently lol.

I mean even if we did seperate, we would proberbly be the best of friends forever. But that ofc makes it harder to seperate. Neither of us have or had social circles. I personally think it's way easier if you do. You can just break up, go out with your friends, and wah la, in no time you have someone else or at least your friends to go out and be with. I envy those people, and no doubt they see break ups as piss easy to do.

Neither of use are like that, which makes it even more harrowing. We are alone, in are own worlds with nobody but us.

Im starting to think my gf has forms of ASD too, it would explain quite a bit, she certainly has some traits, though she is better at socialising then me.

Yeah, im think im holding this tension, it might be causing alot of the hatred and depression in me, idk. We been together for a long time.

____




Anyway, also hoping to continue more animation for the Toriel game, I kinda lost touch with it. That happens sometimes, i get afraid of my work and loose motivation to finish it.

This months been hard, towards the end of xmas i was in hell, entirly mood based.

I think the meds i am on,( 20mg of prozac) made me less horny, was not like that before but it impacted me recently. I am thinking of going off meds completely though, soon so il be more horny once again. I want to go off meds and see how i feel for awhile. Then.. stay that way or maybe go on Abilify. Sounds like a such a serious drug tho, maybe side effects wont be so bad if i go on a really small amount. Anyway shortly after xmas i had no motivation to do anything.

Ended up procastinating. And just yeah, in hell.

So I had to just try do other things for fun, editing, making ytp's, little bit of sculpting clay, animating, and making meme videos. Also went back to listening to folklore, religous stories and mythology, all related to psychology. ( I am heavily into that kinda of thing)

This all helped make me feel better, i was in hell and it took me out of it quite a bit, so im doing better atm.

So im gunna keep doing what im doing, spreading out my time like this, since it's helping to do multiple different things. My life could go in many directions, but i don't want to loose this side of me, because I think its a fine thing to do, nothing wrong with it, its that side of me that i need to express, to cope with the repressed nature of reality, for me anyways. I made scat hentai cos i was horny, for sure. But i did also did it as a cynical kind of jab at conservitive types, i mean.. i was not trolling, just getting a kick out of satirical toons. Aka a women laying out a big fat turd lmao. Heh and im a cynical person, If i had a hobby involving making family friendly short cartoons, id need this hentai hobby of mine to keep me healthy. Balence.. as it were.

Anyway almost finished the Susie x Kris comic, just need to do a cover for it and also get help for the text/writing from a couple friends, just procastinating on that atm. But il try finish it soon, im really excited to show it tho ><

I don't really enjoy doing coms. If i ever do them its literally for money and not much else. So I really don't want to open them any time soon, sorry. I will make an exception for patreons, for now at least. Since they might have become patreons to get discounts for coms in the first place.

Im in a phase of changing things atm and im just trying to keep myself stable with stuff. I often feels very delicate, as if i hang by a thread. Just taking it slow, gotta sort my head out first.

Specifically SFM and Blender animations. Since I came to grips with sfm, its in many ways more fun and easier than painting.
I can get sfms done quite quickly too, since models and maps are just there right from the get go. Most importantly I enjoy doing them.
Il probs do scat and anal stuff too.
I still have a love for painting, though to be honest i have lost the will to do them. Generally I have kinda lost purpose for anything I do.

Commissions are pointless since I hardly get any and most of the time they are not worth the work involved. I generally dislike doing them because of that. So since that seems to be a dead end, im just going to throw my eggs in one basket so to speak, and go all in on just doing whatever i want. Which is 3D animation and some painting now and then. And hope i somehow can make a living from it.

Otherwise its back to dead end work, but thats life i guess. I'm fortunate to come this far anyway. And to do this without worrying about finances, for a time atleast.

I will still do commissions i guess, im sick of them though. But iv'e never had much tolerance anyway. But that makes sense otherwise i wouldn't be doing art stuff in the first place.

Speaking of sick, i have been so lately, from over indulging, which put me off food completely, so i have ironically lost weight in December.

Il be honest, im miserable, so my plan for now is to do 3D stuff. And continue the two pet projects i had, the toriel game and susie x chris comic.
But once those things run their courses, im kinda fucked. I'm sure il get bored of both in time and then i will be at a loss again. I am very hyperactive.

And then what?

I dono really. Lol I feel like a bitter old angry man. Sry if i bummed anyone out. But im being honest here, i dont like to suger coat stuff.

Open for commissions again, and at reduced prices.
Get em while their hot! Got 5 empty slots at the moment.

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/39610100/

My thearpist had spoken to me yesterday and had made me even more aware of how false my relationship is..What i mean is that she just pointed out that im continuing things when i should really close them off if i really do feel the way i do. Well strangely today..

my gf said she loved me a bunch of times and i didnt say it back... ony now it seems she knows i dont love her, just cos of that?

Well besides staying underneath my bed for ages, we just spend the last hour crying and holding each other.. I said i cant let her go..

So I still feel emotional and il admit crying was actually refreshing.. but now i dono what to feel. she said "i should go away right?" while crying and i couldnt take it anymore and cried to and didnt know what to say or do.. thats when we hugged and cried and shook.

And I said i couldnt let her good. I still care about her but now im even more aware of being between a rock and a hard place. Miserable if i stay with her or alot of pain if we break up. Either way i'm not sure now.

I want to avoid this all together and there is only one way to do that and it feels more possible than ever.

Anyway, im closing coms for awhile due to this, anyone getting coms from atm il still do them they just might take longer.

I been thinking about it and as painfull as it is.. i can't see the benfit of being with her, even though we were together for 7 years now.
I just can't see a future with marriage and kids, the very idea makes me bitter and angry, we dont see eye to eye sexually and never have sex with the exception of some sexual action once in a full moon. So once every two weeks if im lucky and even though she only wants to be fingered and thats it, anything else annoys her and thus its not fun for me and i even feel guilty about it. Why the fuck did i end up with a vanilla casual type who treats anything sexual as taboo and "wrong". It annoys the hell out of me, since couples romance can come from the fact that they accept each others sexual desires. Romance does not have to be tradiditional, it can just come merely from sex or acceptance of sex, if that makes sense.

But it depends on the person and i guess im just with the wrong type.

There is also my feelings towards homoerotic stuff. I have attraction towards men or feminine men and its stronger than ever. Its hard to tell if maybe this is just some kind of desire to get me out of this relationship (e.g the cheating with a man is somehow less offensive to a women) Once im single again i could suuddenly have no attraction at all towards men.. who knows.

Anyway its literally the crux of my life right now all the depression and meds are part of it. But lack of friendship and this relationship feels like the real boulder in my life. If i become single i risk becoming a proper bitter and angry hermit and i already am, but i feel id become a real incel with hatred in my heart. On the other hand i could branch out and meet someone new, maybe even make some friends, maybe if im confident enough, but there is no garantee. I feel sociailly inept. But maybe being single might make me feel refreshed and motivated to start a new.

My gf loves me alot, and in some ways im lucky.. but she knows i dont feel the same way about her. I even told her to "find someone else" and that i cant see a marriage or kids in the future with her.. she seems to have partially accepted it, but holds on unconciously to an idea that maybe i might change my mind..

its hard to cut things of espeically because of COVID. She has enough money and a caring father who would spot her if shes desprate, so im sure she can find a place to live and look after her self, she sould be able to get a job and if not im sure her dad might be able to give her some online work.

I feel she is minching of living with me and my perants, she is one of those "push comes to shove " people i think.. she wont budge unless she HAS to. And I hate that, cus im the one who has to trigger it. Id rather she would just have the indeprence to find a job or at least try to monetize the stuff she does (she lives voice acting and drawing).

I shouldnt have to worry about her is what im saying. ...

regardless i do care about her. But some might say its even cruel for me to keep this going when i feel this way. But its hard since her stuff is at my perants house and there is ALOT of it.. but maybe i shouldnt care about it, its not my problem.. im sure she could rent a big enough place that can fit it and afford it too, i think.

The thing is a part of me thinks maybe i could let things play out naturelly.. that maybe over time it will really sink in and she will leave and we will go our seperate way naturally with out me having to make a clean cut. But i cant hold onto that.. Regardless, COVID and the approaching xmas is not really the right time to make a clean break..

so my plan for now IS to let things go as they are.. but allude to the fact that i want to move on.. then in january try to actually confront her more, and ... somehow get her to move on.

It will be painfull, i hate it, i hate having too much empathy for her, and she is only a little better than me at socialising.. thankfully she does have a good friend about an hour away.. im hoping her friend will play a role in looking after her when we break up, im sure she will.

IF i do break up with her, i wont be that active and probebbly not respond on discord or furaffinity that much, i dono what will happen.
I hate thinking about it, id rather gut myself or cut myself to be honest. I cant imagine breaking up, i just dono how it would go down and i hate it so much.

if she was more sociable and more indepdant and out going and active.. then it would not bother me as much, then id know she would be fine and get over it.

But she has said before that i am her "ties" as it were, to the world. In other words i am the few things that keep her wanting to live. Which is a fuck tone of pressure on me. So yeah she does allude to suicide and has done so before. I had to stop her from leaving the house at 2am, as she wanted to go to the ocean and drown. Wtf if she tries to do that again once she finds out i really want to end it?

i actually hate my thearpist in some ways, saying that it could be considered cruel to keep the relationship going. Yet if i break up with her and she kills herself, people would blame me for that to. Fucking sexism is bullshit, for a progressive society, everyone still sees women as weak and men as strong and in charge. ITs such bullshit, we are not progressive we just pretend to be, i hate it. I feel if i got married to her and had a kid, id eventually end up like Jack Torrence from the Shining.. bitter, pissed of and a fucking failure of ambitious plans, like writing a novel but having a job as a hotel caretaker.. then id take it out on my wife and son.. seriously it feels like such a typical set up for a sexual repressed pissed of husband.. then once tragedy strikes, nobody would have any sympathy.. just "oh well hes the bad guy and was always bad"
I don't want to end up like that.

I dono, i just want to die sometimes and thats why i think the relationship and friendship is perhaps the foundation of my depression and anxiety and that the medication and other problems are like the superficial side of it.. its very difficult to tell...

I guess my ideal situation would be to have a partner, male or female who was like me.. wants to go outside sometimes, have kinky sex and quite often and not be ashamed of it. but also loving and active.. encouring each other to be ambitous.. And then my ex girlfriend would be living near her friend and have a job and some good friends, either the chances of a new boy friend on the horizen.

That would be ideal i think...

I feel like i dont have many things to grasp onto. What i mean is, i dont think i have experienced enough to hold on to reality. I have had little friendship or experiences in the outside world, i still feel like im 12...
Its like i never progressed.. So yes, being single is scary because then it really would hit home.. im still that angsty teenage inside his room with no friends or social skills. A trait that perants stupidly think is common and "normal" no no no. My older brothers literally made fun of me for it at one point. Saying that indeed, i have not progressed from a 14 yr old.

And being a hermit is dangrous as far as im concerned. Like randy stair.. Ok don't take that too seriously. I just mean, being loney and bitter it's easier to see the barebones of.. well a bad person.

both me and my gf are isolated, tho she is more social online but ironically does not go outside as much as me. This is why it bothers me alot. I think normally an avarage couple have friends and are outgoing.. so if a break up happens, its hard but they have friends to go to and spend time with. My gf's father lives in another country so family is not really an option for her.

Well theres my rant.

I only express this to help myself, but also i guess, for when the time comes, i will not likely be active or doing coms. And i might either be very active in communication or shut off, i dono. I am hoping to that writing this will give me some kind of perspective, like a diary.

Open for commissions! https://www.furaffinity.net/view/38876943/ check out the description, I am offering 20% off some games and cartoons I happen to like alot.


I also have a buymeacoffee open now, if you want to support me and toss me some buns but without any membership stuff. - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/Lordcuckness

Besides that, I'm alive, lol. My birthday is some time this month, so i dono what I will do. I guess do some art streaming and let people throw ideas at me to draw in real time.

I'm kinda just bummed out, but im still kicking and trucking along.

Open for commissions! https://www.furaffinity.net/view/38876943/

ALSO!

I thought it would be a cool idea to give a 20% discount on coms that happen to have characters from my fav shows and games. See below.

20% off characters from the following of my favourite games/cartooons. You can get these if you're a patreon too!

Cartoons: Avatar The Last Airbender, Ed Edd n Eddy, Code Lyoko, Sonic SatAM, Dragonball Z, My Little Pony, Adventure Time, Gravity Falls, Arthur, The Simpsons.

Video games: Star Fox series, Zelda Twilight Princess, Zelda Ocarina Of time, Zelda Majora's Mask, Zelda Breath Of The Wild, Zelda Skyward Sword, Splatoon 1&2, Mario, Undertale, Deltarune. Sonic Series. Resident evil series.

I will add some more, once I can remember what they were xD. Please remind me of these discounts for these specific games or toons, incase I forget.

I am going to use discord to do public art streams!

I prefer using discord over picarto and streamlabs cos i find them so damn hard to use!

https://discord.gg/PgnpE3g

(link should work pls let me know if it does not)

feel free to join and invite anybody

Commissions are open too.

Thanks for anybody who was waiting.

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/38450326/

Anybody out there take Aripiprazole? what's it like?


My psychiatrist suggested to me, that I could potentially take 2.5 mg of Aripiprazole. As there are studies showing that amount can help treat people on the autistic spectrum. Specfically of obssessive thoughts, violence, anxiety mostly i guess.


The drug scares me though, all drugs have side effects and that one is a serious drug. Though maybe 2.5mg is so small i shouldn't worry about at least trying it.. my psychiatrist did say it is only a suggestion and said i should research it myself which i have a bit and come to my own conclusion. The drugs is mostly used for people who are bipolar or have schizophrenia.


may be worth it, since i feel i am becoming psychotic. Or tip toeing around it trying to avoid it as best i can.


I feel like the main character from Crime and Punishment but without the whole murder thing.


god help me.