I made my GFM several months ago to help fix up this house. Might as well post it here. There are lots of pictures of what I am dealing with and I have no funds to fix it 🙃

https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-a-d.....urce=copy_link

I've come a long way with my soaps and candles since I first started in 2019!
It's really awesome to see my progress and just how much my skills have improved.
I've now added body & fursuit sprays, bath bombs, sugar scrubs, stickers and incense! I even have my own pin!

https://www.moodymommasmenagerie.com/

Edit- He's gone. We're separated. But I am leaving this here as a future reminder of the abuse he put me through. And hopefully others will learn from my situation and recognize their own abuse!
You should not have to beg and plead with your spouse to help with maintaining the house...

I just need to vent for a moment... So feel free to ignore this journal.

No one in this fucking house listens to me. I tell Yuki something and he forgets it seconds later. I have started to communicate with him through text only so that way when he says "you didn't tell me that" I can pull it up on my phone and prove him wrong. He also LOVES to argue with me! From baby things to medical things involving the animals to stupid little things. Excuse me! I have had two babies before, I think I know a thing or two. I ALSO have worked as a Vet Tech for 6 years, I think I KNOW A THING OR TWO! But no, no I don't... He still argues with me.
He'll also say that the way I do things is stupid, just because they are different than how he does things. And these are stupid little things as well! Like how I make my pancakes or that I put my egg shells in the sink until I'm done cooking, then clean them up... What the fuck is the big deal! Don't like how I cook, then you fucking cook! (He's only cooked maybe 3 times since we've moved in together) I have been cooking since I was in my late teens! I have been caring for babies since I was fucking 17!!! I'm just so sick of it!

And now, the twins will be here in 3 weeks or less and I am starving for Yuki's attention... He works Monday through Friday until 5, then on the weekends he finds other work to do... I have to tell him to come to bed around 10pm because he's on his computer and would most likely just fall asleep at his computer.
He took my oldest camping last weekend and went to Six Flags with her for a school trip, while I've either been home alone or going to doctor's appointments by myself...
My youngest has asked me "what are we doing this summer?" multiple times and my answer is the same. "I'm having babies. I don't know what you're doing."
I have to bitch and complain to get help around the house because I can't do chores anymore. I ask nicely, you know, how a good role model is supposed to do things, and I either get attitude or no help at all. I still fucking make dinner every night and can't get help with dishes. I literally cannot reach the sink to do dishes because my belly is so in the way. I take care of the animals all day long, Yuki has just started helping with them in the last few days even though I asked MONTHS ago if he could help with them... The laundry sits around and usually has to be rewashed. I can't carry more than 15 pounds and Yuki loves to cram as much laundry in the machine as he can, so it's well over 15 pounds... I can barely do the stairs from our bed room to the first floor...
Yet I have to get shitty in order to get help...
And things are only going to get more stressful from here on out. I'll be in the hospital for several days late June or early July. Our little boy will be in the hospital for a month or more because of the gastroschesis. Granted Yuki will be working from home for some time to help, but I can't even get help on the days he's off!
I'm just done. I'm done! I just want to have the babies and get this all over with!

I have updated my commission info on my page and am open for several types!

If you have any questions, please ask!

It's my birthday later this month! I'll be turning 28 O.O

I threw together a wishlist on Amazon if anyone would like to send a little something

Birthday Wishes
Link: http://smile.amazon.com/registry/wi...../1GJ097KKEZENX


And my forever ongoing list x3 These things appear on my porn hub and AD Twitter (If you want to check that out, send me a note)

Sexy Things
Link: http://smile.amazon.com/registry/wi...../2GABWM876W8NK
No clothes please!!! I don't want them to go the waste since I'm pregnant and will be changing sizes very soon!

And a coffee or two is ALWAYS appreciated! 💜💜💜
https://ko-fi.com/moodymomma

Well Happy New Year! The cubs and I are all settled in our new home with Yuki. They're back in school, I'm starting classes again, I will soon have an art corner in the computer room =^-^= I still really love my job and the drive really isn't too bad, unless the weather is crap.

It took longer than I thought to get adjusted, but things seem to be going pretty well right now *knocks on wood*

This year has been full of surprises, both pleasant and unpleasant, but I've managed to keep on going. I can't say I did it all on my own, not even close.  icedyuki has been absolutely wonderful to me and my girls. We're currently working on moving in together! It's going to be a huge change, that's hopefully for the best. I still don't know what he sees in this crazy cat, but he's loved and supported us through most of this year. We've had issues, of course, and worked through them becoming even more bonded afterwards. I honestly don't know what I would do without him.

For the first time in months I actually feel like drawing, but my tablet's driver seems to be out of date and I can't find the correct version that works with my 6 year old tablet!!! There's always gotta be something that goes wrong to fuck up my plans! People wonder why I'm so pessimistic... Shit like this is exactly why! I try to do something I enjoy and something goes wrong! Every time. It never fails!

*rages*


Edit - Holy shit, I found it... Only took a good hour to do so...

My Lila kitty didn't make it... She made it through surgery and overnight, but I had to let her go this afternoon. The damage was too great... She held on for as long as she could, and maybe a blood transfusion could have saved her, but that takes time itself and she didn't have much time left... I had to make the call when she started yowling and went into a crisis that we most likely could not have gotten her through...

She was so much more than a pet. She was my best friend, always there for me and purring. I miss her so much...

I adopted her January 2011 and 6 years was nowhere near long enough... She'll be with me forever.
Until we meet again, my sweet Lila.

I just can't do anything positive without an avalanche of negative burying everything I have tried to achieve. I decided to take my girls to the beach for a couple days, thinking it would be great to get away. While the vacation was nice, it was incredibly short, expensive and not very vacation like. Then I come home to an ill cat.

My mom was supposed to stop by my place and take care of my cats, but I really, REALLY, doubt she did... My kitty, Lila, is now suffering from pancreatitis from not eating. Her blood work was all over the place, liver values elevated along with her white blood cells. Thankfully her kidneys are still normal, but her pancreas is incredibly inflamed and she hasn't really been wanting to eat. So she went to work with me and stayed overnight for fluid therapy and treatment. She is home now, but may have to go back to work with me to continue fluid therapy if she's not improving here at home. She's on two antibiotics, an antiemedic, pain meds and a liver supplement and I will be giving her SQ fluids here at home.

I fucking love this cat. She has been with me through moving over 600 miles, a divorce, getting kicked out of my house (by my mom), an abusive relationship and now all the fucking furry drama that I'm going through, not to mention my constant financial, emotional and mental battles. She was the one who comforted me when my ex husband couldn't even be bothered to pay me attention, she's tolerated my crazy antisocial dog that I decided to adopt and two crazy children. She's only been away from me for two weeks, when I was homeless, and lived with an acquaintance until I found a place.

She's always purring, no matter what. I drew her blood and placed her IV catheter and she just laid there in my coworker's arms, purring away while I stick her with needles. I shaved her belly for the ultrasound and she calmly laid on her back while the doctor pressed the probe all along her belly. She's definitely painful, her pancreas is very angry and swollen, yet she still purred through the whole thing.

This is something that she should recover from, with her treatments, though the cost for her care has made a dent in my savings that was supposed to go towards getting the hell out of this shit hole rental I'm in. I'll give anything for my pets and children and have already made so many sacrifices...

I thought this year was going to be better. It certainly started out that way, but we're not even halfway through and I've had so many set backs. Not just financial set backs either... I actually made myself physically ill for a few days because of the stress and crying. I'm slowly starting to feel better physically, but I'm definitely not back to what my normal is...

I also think I'll be taking a break from the fandom again... I tried to come back this past November, but it's just been drama overload since I did and I'm just done. And I don't even fucking know what all is going on because no one will fucking talk to me directly, but would rather just go behind my back and blab, even though these people don't know me at all. It's fucking high school all over again and I'm fucking done...

My journals don't get very much attention (hell, my whole FA doesn't get much attention), but just writing and being able to put it out there is a type of therapy for me, so I thought I would at least make a post since my last one was pretty depressive.

I've been seeing a counselor once a week for the past month or so now and I've also been taking Wellbutrin for about two weeks. I've never been one to medicate, I won't even take Ibuprofen for a pounding headache, but I realized I needed something to help. At first my doc prescribed me Zoloft and that just scared the shit out of me. I read that it made some people's anger issues worse and that they were a zombie even after the first month, so I stopped that and asked for Wellbutrin. It's been helping to take the edge off and that's really all I wanted. My mind has not felt the anxiety like it used to, though my body still feels ill at times, but I'm able to think logically and work through it a lot better than before. I haven't had a break down in several weeks and haven't felt that random urge to just cry for seemingly no reason.

My counselor has been focusing a lot on self care and helping me get back in to my hobbies. I realized I lost myself. I barely draw anymore, I haven't made jewelry in months, I barely game, haven't written or read in ages, I had packed up my sewing machine, my pets were driving me nuts as were my children. Just in the short time I have been seeing her, I have been able to get back in to some hobbies. I'm enjoying the company of my dogs again, I've been gaming for a couple hours a week and I've also been meeting more people and making friends.

After being kept away from the world for four years, making friends seemed pretty impossible. It's always been hard for me to put myself out there for the fear of rejection, but you have to take chances in life, right? Nothing is ever going to change if you keep following the same rut you've been stuck in. It was also really hard to get his voice out of my head... There are still times when I inadvertently think and act like him, though I have become a lot more self aware and can recognize those abusive behaviors and stop them.

My counselor had asked me to list all the incidents of abuse in my life... and it started in my childhood with my father and continued from one boyfriend to the next, to the next, to the next... That really opened my eyes. No wonder I've had such a hard time. I've never known what a healthy relationship looked like, all I had was stupid Disney and other fantastical tales of knights in shinning armor whisking away the damsel and living happily ever after. I did not know what a strong woman looked like in real life. My mom was not a good example and there really weren't any in my life that I could look to... Parental affection from others made me super uncomfortable. There were several men and women at the church my mom dragged me to that tried to be parental models, but I resisted. I was wary and suspicious of their motives because they actually showed me kindness and didn't want anything in return...

And now that I have kids of my own, I'm struggling to understand and BE the type of parent I want to be. I can't find the balance of parent and friend. My oldest listens pretty well, but it's my youngest that I'm concerned about... She's too much like me and I haven't found an effective parenting style for her... Most of my childhood is a blur and I'm not sure I even want to use my mom's parenting style... She did an alright job raising us, I guess, but I always have been and always will be the black sheep of the family... That's hard for me to let go of, especially since that type of treatment towards me has continued. And she always wondered why I would hide away from the family, never seeming to get it. She still doesn't get it, even though I've tried to explain many times. It's always "that never happened". No, it definitely did.

So, in a way I feel like I am starting from scratch. I'm rediscovering myself and improving. Or so I hope. It still hurts to think back on how I used to be though and see that I have lost a part of myself and it hasn't come back yet. But... that was before years of denial, neglect and an abusive alcoholic.

I think what bothers me most, of all the things I've lost, is my deviant side. I was going over my F-list the other day and just thinking "wow, I don't even have the urges to do any of the kinks that I used to be crazy about." I've become so vanilla, so boring, and it really is getting to me. But, I've also lost my libido so I can't get aroused like I used to... Or maybe I can, but my thoughts are holding me back. It's not like I don't have sex, it's just I don't instigate it anymore, I'm not as playful as I used to be, I don't feel like dominating like I used to and I have barely touched my numerous sex toys... I mean seriously! I have at least half a dozen different toys and I use ONE. I don't feel like dealing with the mess, is what I tell myself. I've never been one to enjoy porn so I don't think that would really help. It usually ends up confusing me more...

I never got to be a crazy college kid because I had children of my own to take care of... That really hurts me. My friends weren't who I thought they were and I was ultimately alone through those years were everyone else is going out and having fun. I'm trying to make up for that now, but that's where a lot of my moral conflict is coming from... I want to experience the "crazy" things that I fantasized (and still do), but then I feel guilty just thinking about it... I was single and had sex with two different partners and felt guilty about it...

So while I am improving in some ways, I'm not in others, or I'm getting more confused and have even more things to work through... I've been seeking other types of counselors and actually really think a sex therapist could benefit me greatly, especially since there are new things that I really do want to experience, but my mind and my old ways of thinking (which I don't even think were my morals/ethics to begin with) are holding me back.

It's going to be a long and confusing process, but I know it's necessary. I have no idea who I am at the moment... I think I know what I want, but then something comes up and makes me question or doubt it. There have been MANY times this year where I have thought "YES, I want this!" then a few days pass and I'm unsure... I think what it boils down to is fear... Fear of failing, fear of being hurt again, fear of making even bigger mistakes than I have.

And definitely my children have made it more difficult... I NEED to be a good role model for them in this crazy ass world and at the same time, I need to protect them while not sheltering them and encouraging them to develop in to their own person. I've come to realize just how much my mom pushed on me, trying to make me in to her, and even though I resisted, I ended up becoming her in some ways. She would even say, "you're so much like me," and that shit pissed me off... I am NOT her. I refuse to be her. She stayed in an abusive relationship for thirty fucking years. I am NOT my mother. When I divorced my ex (not abusive, just neglectful) she constantly told me to stay together for the children. What the fuck is that going to teach them?!

*heavy sigh*

Well, that turned out to be a lot longer than I had originally anticipated. All in all, I am doing better. These issues will take time and I am still healing and developing in to the person I want to be. I have a lot of self reflecting and learning to do. It's funny how we turn 18 and think we're the perfect adults, then we realize years later that we were just fooling ourselves. We realize just how much of a child we still are. Even at 26, I still feel like an inexperienced and jealous child.

It's not every day that you realize you were sexually abused as a child... My whole life I thought just because the known abuser didn't touch me, that I hadn't been. That I had made out to be lucky. But sadly, I realized all too late, that's not the case...

I had thought that we were so young it was innocent curiosity. Then I realized that we were too young to know those types of things... He had obviously seen that behavior elsewhere. And this was years before we had internet. We were still playing Oregon Trail on our family computer...
It's very numbing to see the truth of something you used to write off as childhood curiosity. But it wasn't so innocent...
If I weren't numb, I imagine I would feel very disturbed, but at this moment, I am numb. My life has not been kind and I have turned into a shell of what I used to be. I used to read and draw daily, played video games constantly, actually enjoyed my hobbies. Now... I have to work up my motivation to try and read or sketch or play for 30 minutes... And don't even ask about my social life because it doesn't even exist.

You don't really expect to be 26 years old when a realizations like this smacks you in the face.
I've been doing a lot of self reflection since ditching the abusive ex and I'm finding more and more about my childhood was fucked up. No wonder I go for the bad people. I never knew what a genuinely good person looked like. After all, my mom stayed with a cheater and abuser. Not the best example for anyone, let alone a child.
Then, for years after she finally divorced the piece of shit, she refused to accept that I had completely cut him out of my life. She would hound me about his "rights" as a grandparent, which he lost the second he touched my sister all those years ago. She would tell me "it's not fair" to keep my children away from him and would actually sneak, behind my back, so he could see them while she was taking them on an outing. So now she doesn't even get to see her grandkids because I can't trust her to keep MY children away from a child molester!
It was not until last year, she finally stopped harassing me to have a relationship with my abusive father.
I know there's no way I can go to her about my recent realization... She was in denial when she learned about her husband molesting her daughter (my sister) and still has a very disturbing relationship with him... My family is more fucked up than I had thought previously.

There are more and more studies showing just how abuse effects us, creates mentally unstable adults who suffer from anxiety, depression and other mood disorders. And I'm learning a lot about myself and why I am the way I am.

Old habits are hard to break and the first step is admitting there is a problem, so then we can move on to healing.
I will be seeking therapy, hopefully in the near future. Though I have no idea what will happen with my health insurance...

I do not write this seeking pity, only understanding. I know the furry community is full of misfits and I know I am not alone in my struggles, which is why I come to the furries before I seek acceptance anywhere else. After all, I can't go to my family for support...

I'm getting tired of only drawing my characters so I'm accepting some commissions
Also trying to start a fund for therapy before I go completely insane

These will all be digital, it's just that this is my most recent art and some of it happens to be traditional
I use PayPal only - Aakosir[at]gmail.com

As it says, what I draw is dependent on how much you're willing to spend
There's a $2 minimum!
For $2 you may get a flat color head shot OR a full body line art!
DO NOT expect me to do two characters for $2... that's just rude.

SFW and NSFW - You can find some more examples through out my gallery!!!

Any questions? Please ask!

Fetishes I WILL draw
~ Bondage
~ Mild Vore
~ Master/Pet
~ Feet/Paws
~ Gore
~ Blood play
~ Wax play

I WILL NOT
~ Scat
~ Inflation
~ Rape
~ Bestiality/Ferals
~ Hyper breasts
~ Hyper genitals

I'm starting with 4 spots for now
~ Sloth (completed)
~ OPEN
~ OPEN
~ OPEN

You know, it's incredibly frustrating when you try your damndest and nothing comes of it. So yea, I'm just about to give up. I've been trying to get back in to the furry community and I'm finding that I really don't seem to fit in with ANY groups here... I am NOT trendy, so my art is overlooked, I am ignored and those who want to talk with me are only wanting nudes or they're just so immature I just cannot. I deal with two children all fucking day long, I don't want to deal with children when I try to connect with others... I'm trying to escape that immaturity and I get bombarded with it instead...
I know there are mature furs out there, and some of you DO follow me, but where are you hiding!?
I'm fucking going insane over here... I've been trying to make more friends, but it's been incredibly difficult finding people I connect with, who are even interesting to talk to. Then, my anxiety and depression kick in and I just can't socialize. Or I just don't fucking want to because of all the crappy interactions I've had lately.
And oh my fucking gods, I can't talk to anyone about what I do for work, then start all the "my pet's doing this. What's wrong with him?" Um... I don't fucking know, take them to YOUR VET!!! OR you can pay me $95 to tell you that only proper testing will be able to diagnose your pet! Like come the fuck on! Would you do that shit if you found out someone was a human nurse? "Um, so there's this lump on my ass..." NO!

Jeezus.... This feline has not been in a good mood lately...

Happy Moms Day to all the furry mom out there! Have a good one and try not to let the stinkers drive you too crazy! I'll be taking a much deserved nap soon :3

Rum. Lots and lots of rum XD

Well of course now that we have our internet back, my computer is starting to act up. My drawing tablet has been out of commission for several months now :( I'm working on getting things backed up and cleaned up. Fingers crossed that fixes it, I'm not very good with these kinds of things

Lend a hand to furs in need! Follow the journal for more information

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7453853/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7453853/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7453853/

I have home internet and TV again! I'm not sure how often I will be able to get on (you know, work and life and all) but I am pretty excited about having internet at home! No more trips to the library just to download updates for my computer :P

The cats will play :P

My boyfriend finally got a job. After a year of being the home care taker, he's working at a Italian restaurant down the street. It's sooo nice to have my me time back. I'm pretty excited about my weekend nights to myself.

Tonight I'm probably going to work on some pencil sketches. My digital tablet has died so I'm not sure if I will ever do digital again. I do enjoy it, so we will see how this year progresses. It's hard uploading them without wifi at home.

I'm still looking for good furry forums! I'm in some of the groups on SoFurry, but they aren't very active so help me find an active forum! Please?

I hope yours was much better than mine and that you all have a great and positive 2016.

I've discounted and added several pieces to my shop, there's even the beginning of my of my hand painted glasswares :3 I can make custom designs along with my usual works
Check it all out at www.AakosirsJewelryBox.etsy.com